Girl of Never (Chat MD Series #4)

Day 138

(Jia's journal)

Hindi dumating ang date ko. Mas nag-enjoy ako dahil walang pressure ng total stranger. I watched a movie by myself. I went to a food hub by myself and sampled different kinds of food. I explored the lights of the city by myself.

I got lonely by myself, too.

Yung movie kasi. It was a love story of a girl dying with a disease and a guy who loves him even after her death. The movie was romantic. People love that romanticized end, right? They thought it true love if the one who was left behind thrived in life, alone, reminiscing all the have been's; dreaming about the could have been's; wondering about the what if's. It's an ideal, tragic love. A beautiful possibility. A love interrupted halfway—in its most beautiful.

But it made me sad because I know the continuation of that kind of story.

The guy died inside, day after day, longing for a love that wasn't consumed. He hurt alone, cried alone, agonized alone... until he was drained of life.

As the memory of his love faded from the frail fractions of his brain, he would grieve. He would wish for more time. He would close himself from other kinds of happiness—maybe thinking that being happy is a betrayal of her death. For how it was possible to be happy, if the source of his happiness was gone?

He would grieve until his tears were dry. Until his life passed by. Until all his possibilities were gone.

Masokista siguro ako. I shouldn't have watched that movie. But I did, and I know why.

I am looking for answers whether he and I is a possibility. I am looking for answers whether it's okay to love him; whether it's possible for him to love again; whether it's okay to hope for him to be happy with someone else.

Kahit hindi ako, if I'm too complicated for him. Even before I fall for him, I wanted him happy. I wanted him loved because he deserves it.

Neah may find me offensive but I don't think she loved him with a love that he deserved. With the kind of love that would make his heart full, it would burst with happiness. With the kind of love that would make him more alive; more colorful; more like himself.

But I couldn't find it. I couldn't find a reason for him to fall again. I couldn't find a way for him to be set free from the prison of a love he made for himself.

And it hurts so much... to watch him hurt and not be able to do anything.

What's the use of this love, then? Rather than annoy him?