How He Changed Me

-1-

Tick tock tick tock. The time now shows that it's already 12:01 a.m. It's already the 19th of April. It was supposed to be his 23rd birthday today. But it turns out to be his 3rd anniversary of his death. I don't blame the boy nor i blame anyone else. I clearly understand that it was his time to go. But i wasn't ready. Ready to let go of him just yet. I love him too much. I miss him.

It was raining cats and dogs outside. As if it was crying on the loss of his existence. I stood up from my bed and sat by the window. I clearly remembered when he was on the thin line between life and death. -- A weak body was lying on my thighs. A pair of eyes that stared me lovingly while bearing the pain on his stomach. He was breathing heavily gasping for air. The scene was full of tears, gasps of shock from the netizens, sounds of sirens nearing the scene and his husky voice that was stuttering when he called my name. I couldn't help but cry while squeezing his hand into mine. One of my hands were stained with his blood. The red liquid on my hands stained his hand that i was squeezing. "Di...an..na... I.. Lo... Ve... Y.. You" he said. I was lost. I wanted to say that I love him too. I wanted to say that i'm not ready to lose him just yet but none of the words manage to escape from my mouth. I couldn't say anything. My cries became harder when he became lifeless right in front of my eyes. He breathed his last breath in my arms that day.-- without noticing, a bead of tear escaped my eyes. I sensed the presence of my sisters and mother behind the door. I stood up and walked to the door. I reached out for the doorknob and twisted it. They seemed more surprised that i knew about their presence rather than seeing me crying. I guess they are just used to see me crying for the past 3 years. "We thought you might need some company.." Mom said. I nodded and went to sit on my bed. They joined me and stared at me with their pitiful face. It was quite awkward for me but I just didn't have the strength to even open up my mouth. Then my sister started a random topic to talk about. They chatted quite lively while I sat there listening to everything. My eyelids started to close bit by bit until I fell into deep slumber.

The next day i woke up earlier than anyone else and did my daily morning routine. I dressed up and headed out. I didn't even bother wearing any make up ever since he passed on because I rarely even get out of the house. Besides, it was still raining. Nobody will see my bare face anyway. I grabbed an umbrella and headed out.

I walked on the wet green grass carefully since i didn't want my clothes to get wet. These clothes were presents from him that i treasure. It was his last gift for me. I kept on walking until I saw the name plate i was looking for. I had an urge to cry when i read his name on the plate. I remembered how i just couldn't let him be buried down six feet under. "I miss you, Chris.." I said while squatting down and wiped his name plate clean by using my handkerchief. I placed his favorite flower slightly below the plate. "I miss you too, Dianna.." I hear him whisper into my ear. The sentence kept echoing in my head. I smiled knowing that he heard me.

"Dianna.." I heard a woman's voice saying my name. I immediately turned around to see who it was. It was his mother. I stood up and greeted her. She gave me a warm smile and placed the same type bouquet of flowers beside mine. I walked away to give her some private time with Chris. I stood by a phone booth while staring at the gloomy sky.

"Christopher James Richardson.. My firstborn child.. He left too soon don't you think Dianna?" Mrs. Richardson said behind me. I flinched when I heard his full name after such a long time. Mrs. Richardson is one of the best person that i've ever met. She supports me every time even though i wasn't her blood-related child. She smiles broadly even though she is obviously trying to hide her sadness.

"Yeah.." I replied to her shortly.

"Let's have a drink... I'm feeling quite blue right now.." Mrs. Richardson said. I nodded and rode on the car that she drove to a small vintage cafe around the corner. She parked the car nearby the cafe. We ordered our drinks and talked about college and stuff. Mainly things about me since Mrs. Richardson doesn't like to talk about herself much.

As we finished our drinks, we parted ways. It was already 1:00p.m. I walked aimlessly on the sidewalk until I came across a familliar park. Tears start falling when I realized where I was. It was the park we met and also the park where he confessed his love towards me. I sat on a bench there until the clock shows 4:50p.m.

I continued on walking but this time, i'm heading towards somewhere. 'Christopher Richardson Orphanage' I visited an orphanage that Mrs. Richardson owned. She named it after him since it was his wish to open up an orphanage when he gets older. He was kindhearted. He cares about others more than himself. That was one of the reasons I love him. I walked into the orphanage to be greeted by Mrs. Richardson again. She smiled and guided me towards a room. She knew exactly who I wanted to meet. The boy who was lying on the bed immediately stood up knowing that he had a guest. He seemed quite surprised upon my presence. Anyone could even see the expression of guilt creeping up his face when he stared down to the floor not even daring himself to raise his head. 

"Hey Ed..' I said. I sat on his bed and pulled his wrist so he could sit down beside me. He just couldn't contain his sadness and bursted out crying. I just stared at him I tried to comfort him but it made him cry even harder. 

"It's my fault.. I'm a murderer.. A MURDERER !!" Ed shouted while sobbing. I became surprised of what he said. My hand slapped his face to get him back on his feet. He was clearly surprised but deep inside I knew he wanted me to do that for the past 3 years. 

"Stop.. Just... Stop it.. Even if you didn't stab him that time, he would die anyways.. Accept the fact that it was already his time to go.. I beg you.." I said. He became silent. trying to process my words just now. After things have cooled down, we talked about random things. He indeed tried to crack some jokes but it just didn't make me laugh. I just smiled half-heartedly at his jokes.  

"Hey Dee.. why can't you move on? " he suddenly asked. I know that he knew the answer but he still insisted on asking. 

"Because I'm not ready to let go of him..." I said. I massaged my palm to prevent me from crying. tears were formed but it didn't fall. I used the back of my palm to wipe them away. I didn't notice that Ed was staring at me the whole time. He was actually paying attention to everything that I was doing.

"Isn't that the same as not accepting his death?" My body froze on the spot. That very moment I realized that I was lying myself this whole time. I couldn't accept that he's dead. I couldn't accept that he was already gone. 

"I've got to go..." I said in a low volume. I doubt that he even heard what I was saying. I walked out from the orphanage and realized that it was already dark outside. Mom and dad must've been worried. I walked home weakly with Ed's question lingering in my mind. I cried again. My eyes were hurting, head throbbing and vision blurring. The next thing I remembered was me standing in front of the main door of my house and suddenly everything blacked out.