Accidental Angel (A NoochM FanFic)

Please Forgive Me

THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SOME DISTURBING MATERIAL. JUST A WARNING DON'T YELL AT ME LATER. I WARNED YOU.

~Chapter Six~

Mat's POV

I woke up a lovely day in November, and grabbed my phone. A few notifications from twitter, snapchat, and surprisingly, not Skype. Normally, Ninah would send me a good morning message. I wake up probably an hour to two hours later than she does, so I'd have it. But I haven't spoken to her in a few days, she did mention that she was very busy with school and all, and I understand that, but me being to used to her messages, it kind of got me worried. She's fragile, hanging off her last few threads, and I'm helping her climb them. I'm protective over her. I don't want anything to break her, or depress her more than she's already been.

I called her phone. Anticipating an answer, trying to calm my heart down from beating so fast. When she answered, my heart beat harder. "Hello?" She answered, words slurred, nose stuffy, and voice shaky. She's been crying. I know she has. "Hey! Are you up?" I asked. "Yes I am." She answered.

"Okay, are you alright?" I asked nervously.

She paused. Hesitated. Then began slowly, "Mat, I did it again." She confessed.

Now was my turn to pause. My heart shattered. My arms grew weak, I felt nauseous. I knew exactly what she was talking about.

"You were doing so well. You almost made it to two months clean, Ninah." I spoke, quickly.

"Mat, I'm alone, I can't take it. The voices in my head are getting louder and louder. My heart aches, I feel horrible for doing it. But I needed it, I need you, Mat." She broke into tears. I needed to see her. ASAP.

She's living through the thing she fears most: oblivion. The emptiness of everything around her pulls her down and rips her to pieces, Causing anxiety. Giving her the thought that pain is what she needs. I need to see her face.

"Get on Skype. I need to see you." I told her. "Okay," she said before hanging up.

Ninah's POV

The last few days have been stressful and horrible.

I wasn't able to go out without feeling lost, empty, or paranoid. But when i realize what I had seen and went through wasnt my imagination, I did the worst thing I could do.

Mat built me a tower of confidence for me to survive with in. He told me I was beautiful and he meant it. He showed me that the world isn't really as scary as I see it. And for once, I believed him. He is amazing.

Then the day I broke it came up. The day I broke my record of not cutting for almost two months, the day I broke my skin, as well as the day I broke Mat's heart by explaining what I did. But most of all, the day I broke my promise with him. All caused by people who I actually interacted with, who I've been on the same level as.

My Instagram was spammed with Mat's fans, or team crafted fans, calling me ugly, fat, gross, etc. I couldn't believe it. The people who I actually spoke to, laughed with, even fangirled with, all forming an alliance just to hate on me. For what? What have I done? Mat hadn't even said we were dating, because we aren't. All he did was follow me, and I get hate like this? I've been at the part of my life where I'm already so broken, and insecure, that when people call me crude things, I have no strength to argue, or tell myself they're wrong, because they're right.

I picked up my razor knowing all too well what I'm about to do, I close my eyes and picture myself in the happiest place I could be: Mat's arms. Letting the razor glide across my skin, and slowly break it; causing blood to rush out. Feeling regretful every time I do it, but refusing to stop. I am unable to open my eyes because I refuse to see the regretful mistake I promised I wouldn't do. I tossed the razor, and threw my hands over my face, still with my eyes closed. I grabbed my towel and covered my legs, drifting off into a deep sleep to end my night.

This morning I had been cleaning myself up after the deed had unfortunately been done. I was interrupted by my phone ringing.

I ran over to it and felt my heart sink as I read the name, "Matt!!<3" as the collar ID. I hadn't even thought of how I was going to tell him, nor was I prepared to tell him. When I answered, his gorgeous voice made me feel 10x better already. "Are you alright?" He asked. I could hear how concerned he was, just through his voice.

I couldn't hide it from him. I had to tell him, and since he's already worried, might as well, right?

"Mat, I did it again," I blurted out.

I didn't hear what he had said afterwards because I had began to cry, so I gave him an explanation. "Mat, I'm alone, I can't take it. The voices in my head are getting louder and louder." I stopped for a minute to catch my breath, "My heart aches, I feel horrible for doing it. But I needed it, I need you, Mat." I explained through sobs.

Mat sighed, broken-hearted, I could tell. He demanded me to get on Skype. I did as instructed and hung up. When he called, I answered.

He looked at me and asked, "are you okay?"

I shrugged, and nodded. "I feel horrible." I confessed. He gave me a small head nod, and then looked at me, "what happened?" He asked.

"Mat, those girls who followed me on Instagram, they're making me really nervous. They all followed me, then they began to send me shit. They commented on my pictures and insulted me. I couldn't handle the anxiety. I felt like I was closing in. Like there was nothing to help me through anything. I panicked. I'm sorry," I felt ashamed. I broke my promise with him. It wasn't worth it. None of it was worth it.

I place my head in my hands. "I've never regretted anything more than this," I mumbled. "It's okay, babe. Really, it is. I can understand why. I'm here for you," he said. his eyes that practically screamed sympathy.

"No, Mat. It isn't okay. I couldn't even look at myself. I couldn't even open my eyes while I was doing it. They were closed, and all I had seen was you leaving me, and that made me cut some more. Then I eventually realized, I made a promise. And a promise is a fucking promise. And I have had to many promises broken on me, and I know what that pain feels like. So why the fuck should I break a promise of my own." I said through tears. "Mat, I threw that fucking razor across the room, because I realized who was helping me throughout all of this. I realized that I shouldn't be cutting, rather, I should be thinking about who helped me, who makes me so happy all the time, who prevented my own death. And that's what I did. I went to bed, thinking of you, and thanking God that you're no longer someone who I just imagine about, you're reality." I finished, tears rolling down my cheeks like waterfalls. Mat smiled through his tears like an idiot, unable to say a word.

"Y'know," he started.

"I've cried alot more ever since you came into my life," he laughed. "Haha, same. But, with you." I giggled.

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