Dream On (Jonathan Toews)

Chapter Thirty-Three| Letting Go

Jonathan

Time flies and it all seems like us all goes by in a blur. Soon enough it's December and everything seems to be hectic. The final woman's hockey roster would be announced at the winter classic and the men's roster would be announced soon after that. The stress of that and the Hawks and the holidays all mount up and I can tell we needed this break. My family was coming down for Christmas but they'll have to stay in a hotel because we were packed here. Patrick's family was coming over Christmas Eve so we would be doing a Christmas with them too. Vanessa and Patrick finally got together and are a happy couple. She does good looking out for him and he keeps her sane. It was cute. As the break comes around it's a day before Christmas Eve and I still have no gifts so Patrick and I hit Michigan avenue.

"What should I get Mary Kate" I ask Patrick as we go around Macy's. "I don't know, she has all this money but never spends it on herself. I don't know if you noticed but she's been buying everyone gifts and secretly giving them to us. The other day I woke up with new loafers and a bag of sour patch kids on the end of my bed. And I can assure you it wasn't from Vanessa" he says. I've noticed it too. The new ties and suits. She still feels like she needs to pay us back for letting her live there. But we honestly love having her there and she does enough having to watch out for us two, we're no angels. I already got her a workout outfit and Nike shoes that match mine for when we work out or she goes running with me. But she wasn't big on jewelry or many girly things. Then I thought of it. "I know what I'm going to do" I announce and he raises a eyebrow at me. "And what would that be" he asks. "A Hawks jersey with her name and number. She has a bunch of jerseys she's stole from the locker room but not one of her own" I say walking out of Macy's. "She would love that, now I just need to get things for my sisters" he announced and I let out a moan. This is going to take forever.

We get back after six long hours of shopping and I was looking forward to snuggling up with Mary Kate and drinking a nice cup of hot coco. "Hey Vanessa, where's Mary Kate" I ask and she looks at me weirdly. "I thought she was with you" she says and I shake my head. "Nope. We leaft early this morning and she was still sleeping which is weird because she's usually the first one up" I laugh. I check the whole condo and she was nowhere to be found. "Did you see her leave" I ask Vanessa and she shakes her head. Now I was a little worried. "Wait... is today the 23rd" she asks and I look at my phone. "It is" I inform her and she grows a sad expression. "This is the day she and her family got in the accident" she says softly and I feel my heart being ripped out of my chest. With all the chaos around here I thought she was being distant because of all the pressure and practices. I thought I heard her crying the other night but I wasn't sure, now I wish I would have checked on her. "Do you have any idea where she would be" I ask. "No clue, I'm sorry" she says. "It's okay, we'll find her" I say patting her back. We all call her a hundred times but she never answers. We try to track her phone but it was turned off and I was really starting to get this sick feeling.

Patrick Vanessa and I split up in search for her. Patrick was going to navy pier and Vanessa goes to grant park while I went to where I was almost sure she would be. I walk into Jonny's ice house and take a good look around. It was closed due to the holidays but the lights on the rink were turned on. The sounds of stick and puck loudly echo through the empty arena. I walk around and see her with about 200 pucks scattered everywhere. I wonder how long she's been here, from the looks of it, it's been a while. "Mary Kate" I yell and she looks up for a second before looking back down and taking more shots. Blow after blow she was putting her all into it. She had to have been here for hours as I could see the sweat pouring off of her from here. There was no way her back was feeling good. I rush over to the rink and stand at the door while she continued to work herself to the bone. "Mary Kate Fletcher you can't just ignore me" I say but she never slows down. Her grunts turn into screams and she lets the last puck fly and it shatters the glass. She falls to her knees and the screams turn into sobs. I rush out there as quickly as I could without skates and wrap my arms around her. The tears came fast and she was shaking violently in my arms. I shush her and run my fingers through her hair until she calms down. "Can you walk" I ask and she silently nods. I help her up and to the bench where she sits down and buries her face in her hands. We sit there in silence as I try to figure out what to say. "I'm sorry" she whispers. I watch her intently and contemplate what to say next, she seemed unstable and I didn't want to push her. "Christmas used be the time I would come back home from training up in Canada. I would come home and there would be cookies out and the tree would be up. But I was always the one to put the star on the top of the tree. The house would smell like cinnamon and my sister always woke me up super early Christmas morning to make hot chocolate and watch the Grinch. Our parents would take us shopping so we could get each other something every year. For Christmas mom would get me a snow globe and I was obsessed with them, they always captivated me. My dad would get me hockey things and we would spend all day out on the lake. I cherished those moments, but it sucks that I can't make any more with them. Every morning I wake up and check my phone for missed calls from my mom. I still have a message on my phone she left when I was in college, she was telling me how much she loved me. When I play hockey I still hear my dad telling me what to do next. When I look out into the crowd at games I can still see my sister cheering me on. But then reality sets in and I realize that they're all just memories because that's all I have left" she says sniffling every so often. I remain silent and watch her intently. She never talked about her family much and I can see why, they sound amazing. "Every day I ask god why he kept me here. Why he didn't let me die with my family. For the longest time I thought I was being punished. No more hockey, no more family, and all the pain. I just didn't understand why I was still here, what did I need to live for. Christmas will never be special like it used to. When I feel the pain in my back all I can think about is the accident and I get so angry. It reminds me that I'm alone and broken and that I can't be fixed" she says with a sigh. I couldn't imagine what she was going through, I didn't want to. My family is everything to me and if I was the only one left I would be a mess too. "You probably think I'm crazy" she says after a few moments of silence. "I think you're hurting. Family is something that you cherished whole heartedly. It would be insane to think you would be okay with what happened. There's a quote I read, it said not to pray for a easy life, pray for the strength to endure a hard one. In that sense no one is stronger than you. But being strong isn't acting like you're okay, because that's not helping anyone. Instead, having strength means you're still trying after getting knocked back down. You've been hit hard, but you never stopped fighting. Something in you told you to keep going. That something is you're family, just like you told me about the horizon. Just because you can't see them doesn't mean they're not there. They're always watching over you. That burning sensation you feel when something big is about to happen, that part of you is you're family. I can promise you that if they were here that they would be so proud of you" I say. "I miss them so much" she whispers. "I know... come here" I say opening my arms and she enters them. "Are you mad at me" she asks. "Of course not. I just wish you you would had came to me" I say. "Then you couldn't finish Christmas shopping" she says and I give her a glare. "No one likes a know it all" I joke and she finally smiles. "You do" she responds. "Only when it's you. So are you good now" I ask and she nods.

We all meet back up at the house and Vanessa and Mary Kate retreat to the kitchen to make food. "Is she going to be okay" Patrick asks. "Yeah, after her parents died she never got close to anyone so on this day when she went to let out pent up anger there was no one there to stop her, so she didn't really think it through. When I found her it almost looked like she wanted to hurt herself. It didn't even look like her. It was scary" I admit. "That's intense. I'm glad she's okay though" he says. "Me too, but I do think she needs to find a better way to release all these feelings" I say pondering my options. "Sex" he responds raising his eyebrows up and down. "You're a sick and twisted little man, you know that" I laugh and he laughs along. "Yeah, yet here we are" he say. "Here we are".