Poems from inside the depths of my head

fat

From a young age I was told that this was called fat
That if my stomach had stretch marks from sitting down with a loose shirt that I am known as fat
That no matter what I wear I wouldn't be able to hide that fact
That little girls like me where not supposed to look like that

By age 9 I was so consumed with that statement
That little girls like me weren't supposed to look like that
And I started to feel like shit
Because a little girl just like me was told that what our weight was was not the definition of beauty
And we started to believe it

Age 13 comes along and now I'm in middle school
Stressing about new teachers, homework, and being cool
I would try my best each day to succeed at all 3
But no one told me that you can only be cool if your skinny
Day after day I was so consumed with hatred
It became the marrow in my bones
The blood seeping through my veins
But that hatred wasn't toward anyone in particular
That hatred was for the girl I saw everyday in the mirror

WHY WON'T YOU LOSE WEIGHT?!?
I'd scream into that mirror
As if my reflection could respond back to the hateful things I had to say about my body image
I wanted to rip apart the flesh that made my skin
Tear it all apart till I was left with nothing
Because I couldn't stand the looks people gave me when I ate food
And I couldn't stand the way people mocked me for not being able to run a lot
Only if they knew it wasn't my weight it was my asthma
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!
I would mentally scream at myself until I couldn't stand looking at her anymore
Because the thought of her weight made me disgusted with her
It made me think that she was a fatass and that she should stop shoving food down her throat all the time
It made me hate her for her weight
As if my reflection was another person

Let's talk about now
Age 15 and 5'6
Freshman at a high school where only a few of my friends went
Strangers are becoming friends, friends are becoming strangers
But one thing I still can't get over is how badly I treated her
You see for a long time I was so obsessed with this known definition called perfect
I wanted to be an example of perfect
I wanted to be perfect
But they told me I couldn't due to my bunny rabbit teeth
No gap between my thighs
Acne on my face
Or even my chubby smile
But now that I think back to all those comments and especially more
I wondered what it was like for them to try and be perfect
I wonder what they sacrificed to reach almost perfect
I guess I'll never know but I'll always have that longing feeling in my bones
It rattles my spine until I can no longer feel a thing
It crushes my dreams when I fall asleep, almost as if its trying to seep through my well being again
Each day when I look into the mirror I am constantly reminded of all the times I treated her badly
Of all the times I criticized her body
Of all the times I thought I was too fat for anybody to love me
All because I wanted to be skinny perfect

I am fat
A three letter word I let describe me
I let it consume me
I let it become me
Because I couldn't deal with the fact that if I looked like this then nobody will love me
A word that other kids used to describe me
A word that my family has used to call me
A word that I used and I let it make me hate me
Because that three letter word was what was scrawled across my well being
Making other kids for some reason hate me
Making my family use it for when I'm eating
And my friends using it as a joke
Because being fat was known to be funny

Fat
A three letter word I let describe me
A three letter word I let become me
A three letter word that I will never regain my once happy go lucky self back
Because I was the definition of fat not perfect