Desire For Business

If you ever felt the crack of a heart break

I never took too much notice to how at home he use to feel when he was here and even enough to use my toothbrush without an inkling to ask, it actually warms me..which is not like me, I would have flicked someone in the forehead for taking my candy out of the bowl of my coffee table without asking. Its imported chocolates. I am partial to my things, I am a quality not quantity person. Almost each purchase is a thought out process, price, and of quality comparisons. He just didn't live like that and I appreciated the character of him not caring if the toothbrush vibrated or if he had to do the motion himself. I know money wasn't an issue for him because Dris paid well. The exspensive things that I was so peculiar about I don't care for it, I would trade it all in exchange to be without this feeling of having a close ranged shot gun hole in my stomach and my heart doused in acid. This is the feeling I spent my whole life training to avoid by becoming; emotionless, stable. My confidence, i carried it around like a world champions belt. Now nothing could change this gapping hole, this feeling of being left alone in the middle of a dessert millions of miles from civilization with my throat so dry that lake couldnt quench the painful thirst.

I get up to look at my phone thats been on the charger for the last 3 days. Not on vibrate  on silent and flipped over. I look at all numbers, all familiar but not Kalisto or Dris. I keep going down to look at all the text. Same thing. I click on Kalisto as I feel my stomach literally turn like the butterflies were burned a slow death and their wings were too crips to fly but lay in their own death wallowing in that gapping hole of my body. I cant take it, I click his old message and start to sob to an uneven breathing. What are they doing to him?

I CANT HANDLE IT. Without a second thought I climb out of bed to my armoire and remove the board that is supposed to be the back of it but isnt. I had done the measurements of the armoire so that it could have a hidden space between the board I had measured to look like the back and the actual back. There is a hole in the far left corner to lift to board out also, so that I could move my coats to all the way to the right. I put my finger and gently tug without pulling the whole board out I move the clothes to the right side lift the board ajar but feeling so weak and exhausted I becomes breathless. I just don't want to think or feel, I quickly reach for the little black lock box that holds the heavy pain pills. Without a thought I open the bottle and take 3 pills out. I just need numbness to get my strength, I promise myself this will be the end of feeling sorry for myself. I put everything back in my hiding space. I as quickly as for my weakness, go to the fridge and make some cold chocolate milk. The tears pour without effort as if I am not in control as I am reminded of Kalisto on the night back from the hospital. He gave me my meds with chocolate milk because I hadnt ate. I drink my pill down with the milk. I put it to the side and put titanic on the TV. I drink the rest and I start to feel the numbness. I embrace the feeling of not feeling and cave to the instant sleepiness these pills provided, before they gave me energy. Before....before I really felt pain.

I wake to my stomach. It literally feels like I am being stabbed from the inside. I feel in such a blur and sickness that I barely stumble making to the toilet. Just as so, I hear a knock at the door. I continue to throw up but the knocking doesnt stop then comes the door bell. Im closer to my phone than the door and I can see it lighting up consistently. I try with my best efforts of nausea, stomach pain, blurry vision to stumble to the door. I am crawling I use all my strength to hold on the door handle to lift my body up and unlock it. I fall straight into whoever was at the door.

I feel myself thrown over their shoulder. I hear the alarm to which the person holding me turns theirselfs around so I'm facing the alarm. I got the alarm code wrong 5 times as my brain can barely notice life. The beep stops and gives the chime of acceptance. Im then turned back around I am gently placed in the bed, as my head hits the pillow I see those familiar pools of black eyes and few stragglers of dark blonde hair in his face as he is leaning over me to get me situated.