𝟐𝟓 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 → 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐤𝐨𝐤𝐮

day three

my beloved ryuunosuke,

i have healed from my cold. thankfully, kyouka-chan has taken care of me and helped around the house a bit. it was nice of her to do that. but i felt guilty deep within my gut.

she didn't have to go through trouble just to help me out. she said she's doing this because she was my friend and that i wasn't stable enough to be left alone.

i can't argue with that.

you probably won't care about this but.. i quit from my job after i got rid of my sickness.

but, in the case that you're worried on the state of my well-being, don't be. i can manage. i still have some food in the fridge so that's fine. i suppose.

you know my co-worker, dazai-san right? he said his condolences and apologized for not being there. he was kind enough to give me extra money after everything. i can tell it wasn't his money. it's just not in his nature.

although he was being nice and all, i had refused. it wouldn't really matter anyway.

besides, why would i need money without you?  what's the point of surviving?

what would be the point of coming home to an empty house?

i tried to swallow pills today, but my body couldn't handle it, so i threw it up. i tried to cut myself too. i ended up throwing the blade far away from me.

it scared me.

i just laid on the cold-tiled floor. i feel so stupid.

how is it up there by the way? are you happy? did you find comfort in someone else after leaving me behind?

i want to be with you.

but you must be happy up there though. without me. you killed yourself because you hate me, right?

then again, it may not be me. i question about how you felt about me. if you did care and truly loved me as you said, then why would you leave?

we were so happy back then. despite our differences, you always showed me a side that no one else ever saw. your vulnerability. your pain. how much you had to endure.

you can't express your love through words, but you always showed it through your actions. even though you dislike physical contact, you did it. just for me.

that is what i admire you most for, ryuu. you opened up to me and trusted me. i truly enjoyed our little moments together and every second i got with you. i will forever cherish them in my heart.

good night, ryuu. i will talk to you again tomorrow.

never forget, atsushi

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EDITED; 4/6/20