𝟐𝟓 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 → 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐤𝐨𝐤𝐮

day nineteen

my beloved ryuunosuke,

i went to the mall today with kirei-san. she wanted to buy me something nice and affordable, but meaningful.

she seems to be in a very happy mood to drag me to the mall like that.

she got me a cute and small rabbit charm. with the color of it being black and white. it was really nice of her to do that.

when she had already bought the things she wanted, she told me she had to meet up with her cousin today. she apologized for leaving me hanging, but it was fine.

i had enough money to buy food and things needed at home. i also bought a small blade and a rope. maybe.

d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶a̶s̶k̶.̶

anyway, hiko came over for another small session of coping therapy as he calls it.  how funny.

we talked about our family and past loved ones. we just opened up about personal things that we still can't get over. i, especially about you. yet again. how unsurprising, is it not?

we played a board game he brought over so that i could focus on something else after our talk. i lost a couple of times. i wasn't very good or maybe it wasn't working and i got distracted.

we had lunch and talked about almost everything else we could think of. it was a fairly enjoyable day, i can say that.

it was fun and all, but i still don't know what to do now.

i don't want to be here anymore.

surely, you know what i mean.

i don't even know what to do with my life.

sure, i have hiko, my co-workers, dazai-san and the others.. but that's about it.

you always manage to make me smile. feel at peace. even though we're polar opposites.

but you're gone now and., i don't know what to do.

i don't even have a reason to live anymore.

sometimes i just wonder. wonder if i should follow you up there. wonder if i should just keep on living.

it's difficult. knowing that you aren't here anymore to give me guidance.. is torture for me.

i wanted to keep on living with you.

but seeing at the situation i'm in, that isn't happening any time soon. obviously.

i miss everything about you. 

i just hope you're missing me too.

wishing you were still here, atsushi

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EDITED; 4/9/20