Bullshit From My Brain

Letter

Goodbye.

  I'm still clueless as to how I tell you this, but I'd rather you know why. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be as strong as you wanted me to be, but I really did try. So please read this letter, and know I love you dearly.

  The world has taught me that I will never be enough. I will never be skinny enough, curvy enough, strong enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, serious enough. Just never enough for anyone or anything to love. It taught me that if I like myself I'm obnoxious and rude but if I hate myself I'm ungrateful and seeking attention. There is no winning. I tried to be society's idea of perfect, but it's impossible. "Perfect" is always changing so the second you get what was perfect, it no longer is so you need to keep working. If you wear makeup you're self-consciousness and fake. If you don't you're lazy and ugly. Please listen to me, don't make my mistakes. Love yourself. Embrace your quirks and flaws. Be stronger than I was and ignore the terrible world and it's judgments.

  People have thrown every insult at me: emo, goth, fake, faggot, dyke, loner, freak, loser, bitch, slut, whore, attention seeker, crazy, fat, ugly, useless, unwanted, stupid, pig, dumb ass, lame, cunt, untalented, hopeless, depressed whore, insane, hooker, hoe, prostitute, fugly. The list goes on for days. After so long, you start to believe all these things. You can only pretend you don't care so long. I faked my way through school, at home, everywhere. The only place I would ever allow myself to feel anything would be in the shower where no one could hear me cry, or late at night when everyone else was sleeping. Please don't be like me. Don't hide your emotions and cover your pain with fake smiles. Be braver than me and let people know when you're not okay and when you need help.

  People tell me it's going to be alright. One day I'll just wake up and be okay, but I don't want to be okay, I want to be amazing. I guess what I'm trying to say is, please don't let this hurt you. Don't blame yourself. I had to do this. No one could help me. I'm begging you to keep living your life and to be wonderful. Do the things you love and live your dreams. Go sky diving, move to Paris, try out for that acting job. Just, don't give up. Succeed where I have failed.

  I'm so sorry, but I have killed myself. I love you dearly. Please forgive me. I'll always be with you. And know, there was nothing you could do. It wasn't your fault.

                                -Love, Isabella.

*This is not a real suicide note*