𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝐄 ↠ 𝐓𝐨𝐦 𝐇𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝

chapter 17: freedom

“To find yourself, think for yourself.”
- Socrates

☆☆☆☆

Songs for chapter:

Halsey - Bad At Love

Jeremy Zucker, Chelsea Cutler - you were good to me

Esbie Fonte, temi vila - Pink Sky

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Sunday has arrived and I spent the evening over at Austin's house. I walked up to the door, greeted by Austin's step-dad. He gladly let me inside, asking how I was doing. His mom was excited to see I was doing well.

Eventually after talking to them, I climbed up the stairs heading to the familar room I was once in. I knock on the door.

"Come in!" Austin yells. I open the door, seeing him turn in his chair with a smile.

"I have arrived for our hangout appointment," I joked, sitting down at the edge of his bed closer to him in his chair. He shut his laptop off, closing it and giving me his full attention.

"I'm happy you could make it," he said, his hands in his lap.

After the ball yesterday, I told him I wanted to explain everything. That I needed to get so much off my chest. He obliged, seeing that I would feel better if I spilled my guts, in which I did. I sat on his bed for nearly an hour and a half, explaining the full situation about Oliver, more in depth than I did at the support group. I told him about my prior diagnosis of PTSD and anxiety, now diagnosed also with Bipolar Disorder. I ranted about how guilty I felt and that it's gotten better ever since I started releasing my emotions instead of hiding them.

The whole time, he listened. Not interrupting me or telling me that everything is all unicorns and rainbows. What he did was just listened, and I needed that more than I ever knew. Having someone to hear you out, hear your thoughts, instead of talking to yourself inside your head can make the difference in the world.

I mentioned to him about my friends back home and brought up Lacey and how I was before and after Oliver passed away. And it felt...good. To say all the things I've been wanting to say but wasn't ready for, internally destroying myself. And lastly, I apologized for my behavior and cruel words.

"What I said to you about your friend and Clare was wrong," I admit. "I think I wanted to believe you had alterior motives because you have been so kind to me and willing to help. I was a complete asshole for saying all of that. I'm truly sorry."

"Sky, I don't know what it's like to lose someone to suicide, and I can't imagine what that was like, but I do understand about being afraid to open up and love people. When my parents split up, I distanced myself from getting too close to people. To protect me. But I eventually let my guard down and saw that everyone in the world isn't out to get me, and the same goes for you."

I want to believe that. But like I've said, life is cruel and we're all in this game together getting played.

"You've had sex before, right?" I ask, staring down at my blue leggings.

"W-What?" he asks, slightly chuckling at my forward question.

"You told me awhile back that you and your ex did. And that's all she wanted."

"Yeah, I did," he says, leaning forward in his chair.

"What's it like?" I ask, looking up at him. I've taken him by suprise, not once asking about his past relationship or even mentioning the word sex.