Everything leads back to you (on-hold)

Ang Barkada

Pag balik ko, nakita ko silang lahat kumakain at nag kwewentohan. I took a deep breath, before walking in the dining area where they were all seated.

sa table:
quen/liza/julia/joshua
dj/kath/empty/mau

"Sorry guys, natagalang nang konte" sabi ko (looking at the empty seat) *tensed* "Ah.. ok lang ba kayo? May gusto pa ba kayong kainin?" as I was turning to walk towards the kitchen. (Kath grabs me by the wrist) "Wala na... dami ooh" she said, pointing at all the food on the table. "Oo nga" sabi ni Liza. I just smiled "okay" still feeling very uneasy. "Upo" sabi ulit in Kath as she pulled me down to sit at the empty spot between her and Mau. "Eto na po, uupo na" sabi ko nga. (as I sat down next to her)

"Ikaw Holly may kasalanan ka saamin ah" all the girls said in unison. "Oo nga" naki chimed in rin yung mga lalaka... lahat except for Mau. Patingin tining lang at mag smile na parang na pipilitan lang sya. "Ahhh, kasalanan agad, kakarating ko lang" sabi ko, pretending that I didn't know what they were referring to "Naku Sis, wag ka nga mag kunwari na parang hindi mo alam kung ano ang sinasabi namin..... 5 years ka kaya na wala" sabi ni Julia (Joshua, poked her on the side). I looked at Julia as I picked up my glass to drink and gave her a pleading look. "Kwentohan mo naman kami" sabi ni Kath. Buti na lang napansin yon ni Joshua "Girls... mamaya na kayong mag kwentohan, kain muna tayo... sayang ang gracia" sabay sabi ni Joshua at napatining saakin. I gave him a "Thank you" look. He just smiled and continued to eat.

After eating and talking about what everyone did last night (Christmas eve)... the guys decided to hangout in the game room, as the girls continued to interrogate me in my room.
Kath: Ayan Sis, wala na si Mau... este yong mga lalaki pala. Baka naman pwede ka nang mag kwento saamin ngayon (looking straight at me, crossing her arms)
Liza/Julia: Oo nga.  (both of them looking up at us, as they laid across my bed)
Liza: Bakit bigla ka na lang nawala? At bakit hindi mo man lang sinabi saamin?
Julia: at bakit hindi ka nag rereply sa mga messages at emails namin? Ano bang nangyari sa inyo ni Mau? Bakit ka ba umalis.... (she was still talking when I stopped her)
Ako: Guys... teka lang. (waving my hand infront of them) Mahina ang kalaban. Pwede isa-isa lang ang tanong.
Kath: eh mag kwento ka na kasi (frowning at me)
Ako: Girls, sorry talaga ah.... hindi naman kasi dapat nangyari yon nagyari noon eh. Biglaan lang talaga. (Sa totoo lang, ayaw ko munang mag kwento sa kanila. Kailangan ko munang mag paliwanag kay Mau bago ko sabihin sa barkada. I owe him that much)
Liza: So... ano nga? (still waiting for my explanation)
Ako: Girls.... pwede saakin na lang muna. Gusto ko sana maka usap muna si Mau, bago ko magpaliwanang ang lahat sa inyo. Pwede ba yon? (Looking at all of them) Pero, pangako ko sa inyo... when the time comes at bago ako umalis, sasabihin ko lahat sa inyo. sa ngayon, gusto ko munang subukan na maayos or mag paliwanang sa kanya... (said face)
Kath: Eh bakit ba kasi hindi mo na lang syang kausapin ngayon?
Ako: Hindi kasi ganoon kadali yon sis...
Liza/Julia: Bakit naman... (both girls chiming in)
Ako: (tears starting to form) Guys, nasaktan din naman ako... at alam ko nasantan din sya. Alam n'yo, sa totoo lang.... nagulat nga ako na nandito sya ngayon (my tears started to fall)
Kath: Holly.... siguro naman maiintindihan ka ni Mau (hugging me)
Ako: you think so?
Liza: Bakit hindi mo sya kausapin ngayon. Malay mo nag hihintay lang yon na lumapit ka sa kanya. (holding my hand)
Ako: paano kung...
Kath: Sis... it's been 5 years. Nakita namin kung gaano ka katagal hinanap ni Mau. Lagi na lang syang dumadaan sa dati nyong bahay para makita ka, pero na laman na lang namin lahat na tinuloy mo daw ang plano mo na pumunta sa states. Hindi nga lang namin alam kung bakit naging biglaan ang decision mong umalis.
Julia: He was devastated at heart broken nong umalis ka na wala man lang paalam, kahit man lang daw sa kanya.

As the girls continued to talk about what happened when I left, I felt worst and worst each time they mention Mau and the pain that he was going through because of me. I hated myself even more. I didn't know what to say or how to even begin to explain or apologize for what i've done.  Pero I also had my reasons... at nasaktan din naman ako nang sobra sobra!