sadness // djh

d e p r e s s i o n

the week after my seventeenth birthday, you were over at my house.

you were still sixteen.

we were watching disney movies in my room.

i was sitting on your lap. you had your arms around my torso.

i knew i was in love with you.

i had a feeling you loved me too.

i didn't think normal friends did this, so why would you consent if you didn't like me?

we never did anything more than embrace each other. we never kissed or had sex.

kids shipped us at school. never bullied; just shipped.

i was glad they let us live in our little world.

my mom loved dan.

and dan's mom loved me.

our mothers were both the same age and young. they were both 41.

they became instant best friends like dan and i.

they always talked about how much they wanted us to date.

silently, i had no objections, but dan, you never said anything to me about it.

at some point further down that year, we both were pretty certain we loved eachother.

for my eighteenth birthday, you bought me a ring.

i was completely out of words.

"violet. i won't be around here forever," you were foreshadowing your departure, "but will you promise to marry me one day? we're still too young now, but if somehow we get separated," you hinted it again, "i want you to come find me when you're ready."

i said "of course!"

you put the ring on a necklace since you knew i had a fear of rings since one time i had to go to the hospital to get one taken off my finger when i was 3.

i picked up my hair and you clipped it around my neck.

i cried and i ran into your arms.

you tangled your hands in my hair, and nuzzled your face in my sweater.

although we still hadn't told each other we love one another.

"dan. i love you." and i pressed my lips against his.

hard.

it turned into a session making it into my room.

my mom wasn't there anyway.

no, we didn't have sex.

that kiss was enough to last me a lifetime.