This Life

Chapter Seventeen

(I AM SOOOOOOOO SORRY THAT I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN AGESSS! Or I dunno if it's been ages it's been about 5-4 days but ah well. My brains just been mush! I've been struggling with writing, like Im talking a few sentences an hour! Hopefully I'm back into the swing of things! )

___________________

Dear Diary,

Here I am again.

In this familiar situation.

I'm used to it I guess.

It's still hard though.

I guess I'm just writing this to get stuff off of my mind. I'm telling you stuff that I haven't told anyone else, but maybe they know already. I'm not fully aware of everything and everyone right now. I've still got that cold feeling at the back of my brain telling me something's wrong. I know something's wrong, I can feel it.

I'm scared. I don't think I show it very often. I try to keep a stone hard face on through the day, trying to get through each passing day, trying to push down the burning sensation clawing at my head and messing up my thinking. Am I ill? I don't know. Maybe I've just been affected so much that it's all rushing into me at the same time, all the memories clashing into each other.

Can you help me? I don't think you can, your basically paper. Something tells me writing in this will help lift weights off my shoulders that I'm not even aware are there. I can't feel any currently, but I know that there are some, waiting to be taken off. I think... That maybe... Maybe you can help...

No one on my side of this world can help me. My friends? They don't know what's going on, what's going through my brain each passing moment. I long for the night. The night just seems to calm me down, bathing my in its darkness, surrounding me. It's the time that I can actually think straight, think things through that I had been powerless to have done throughout the daytime.

I claw my way through the days, longing dreadfully for them to end. Sometimes I wish that I was dead. Maybe life would be easier? Where would I go? Maybe Heaven?

I've heard Heaven is a really nice place. Nothing can harm you, your completely safe, encircled in the warmth and kindness of whoever is up there. I don't necessarily believe in god, I never have. I mean, if god was real, wouldn't he help me? If he is real, he obviously isn't caring about what happens to me right now.

Maybe I'll go to hell. I don't fully know if Hell is real, but then I can't really say that I'm certain Heaven is real too. I like to think it's real, it gives me something to route for.

I wonder what would happen if I did die. Would people mourn over me? I know that Clem might. I would definitely miss Clem most of all. She's my little sister, the brave cookie out of the tin. I'm the cookie that breaks with any contact being given. It's pretty obvious, it shows my theory is true because of the past events that have happened.

People say that Clem being taken wasnt my fault. Honestly, I don't believe them one bit. It was my fault. If I had just listened to her instead of zoning out like that, maybe she would have not been taken. Maybe I wouldn't have been considering lots of options on what to do with myself.

There's that question that is one in the millions that swarm through my mind each day. What do I do with myself? I'm broken. I'm not really useful.

I know for a fact that I'm only continuing this hard path that I've been given because of that little light guiding me down the road. We both know who that little light is. The other lights help, but they don't shine as bright as the littlest one.

No matter what happens to that little light, it always comes back. It never leaves for very long, though I have to say that 4 months is pretty long.

I sometimes look down at the fading scars on my arms and legs and wonder how I got them. I've been told on what happened, I sometimes just wish that I remembered it. I remember everything but that event, when my cuts occurred.

I was briefly told that Elster, my own mother, had beaten me up with a knife until Josh with an unconscious little girl over his back pulled her off, sending her into the depths of the woods. Have I ever said thank you for that? I guess I've never had the courage nor time to do so.

All those times being in the hospital made me realise something; I'm bad luck. Whoever comes near me always ends up in trouble.

I also sometimes wonder if dads watching over me. It would boost me alot if he gave me some kind of message telling me that he was there for me, to keep going. Could you maybe do that? It would help alot Dad.

So, here I am. Writing in you to tell you everything that's happened basically through my whole life. Your purpose right now is to be a distraction, so I can forget what the real problems are. I always tell myself this one thing, no matter what happens in this life..

Remember who the real enemy is.

______________________

Whoa. Sorry that this chapter wasnt very long, I just felt like this would be good. This is the last chapter of this story!! Wow! I've really enjoyed writing this story, it's really been a pleasure!

Thank you to all my readers who have read this! I appreciate it so much!

Thank you to all who voted! Like I said, thank you!!!

I will be writing the sequel to this obviously!!! I'm going to take a break from this story, give it a week or two so I can catch up on my other story, get that one quite close to finishing before I decide what I'm doing!

Keep this story in your library, when the times comes for me to be starting to write the sequel, I will make an authors note!

Still not too sure on what it could be called, maybe comment below some suggestions? If i like it, I'll give u a dedication!

Like I said, thank you my little tributes. Until next time!!

-Tails🌻🍂