Beside the Undying Fire

Chapter 22

"I was there." I choked up. "At that battle. All those years ago." A tear rolled down my cheek.

He turned towards me. Staring at the mace-shaped scar.
The pain in my side was gone.
He didn't take his eyes off of it, as if he couldn't. He nearly glared at it.

I released my shirt and let it fall over the scar.

"I told you not to come!" He raised his voice. "Why did you betray my trust?"

"I knew it would be a dangerous battle! I went to ensure your safety!" I barked.

"That is no reason! You could have gotten yourself killed! And from the looks of it, you nearly did!" He turned and immediately stomped back towards Erebor.
I watched him walk away. Along with my heart. Crushing it with every step.

"What have I done?" I fell onto the ground near a tree.

The bead lay beside me, I looked down at it and tear after tear ran down my face.
He declined it. My heart shattered. It wasn't my love, I didn't offer that, but it felt the same.
I'd tried to give the bead back to him, and it felt like that was my love, and I'd gone through so much to give it to him. I'd put myself through it all for him, but it was shot down, just as my world was. I couldn't even think of the right words to say. It was as if he'd declined my love, and my heart couldn't help but break into small, shattered pieces.

What can I say? I knew it was coming, I said it myself years ago. Yet somehow, someway, I overlooked it, too much for my own good. I was a fool. I was blinded by my heart. "He's royalty and I'm nothing more than a village maiden! That's not how it works!" My own words crushed me. I never thought it would happen to start with, but as it did actually happen, it crashed into my heart, leaving me feeling lifeless as he walked away.
"It's a shame he'll never go for a scullery maid." The words of Legolas sunk in.
He was right.
Another tear streamed down my face.
I felt the blaze of flame die down, knowing very well that this is where it would end.

I began to think again.
The pain was completely gone. It diminished in a split second. The same second I'd told Thorin that I'd gone to the battle.
An image of Ariannell shot into my head.
I started to breath heavily as the pain came back to my side.
She wanted me to tell him I'd gone to the battle. That was it.
She couldn't do it as her heart was beating, she had to do it another way, prompting me to do it by reminding me of the pain in her lifeless form. Sending the same pain to my side until I finally did it.
It all made sense. "You know what you have to do, you're just not telling me. Keep it within your heart, but do what needs to be done. The outcome may change your life; for better or for worse."
She wasn't telling me to tell him I loved him, unless it was both. She wanted me to confess about following him to the battle. It did most likely change the best part of my life, but not for better.
Not for better.

I didn't know what to think.
I just didn't.

I don't know how long I sat there.
But after whatever amount of time it was, I picked myself up along with the bead. I stood up and looked at it in my hand.

"I've never wasted so much of my time on such an unlikely cause." I said. "Just another foolish deed."
I threw the bead to the ground. I broke again as the bead hit the ground. I almost felt bad.
But I knew its what I had to do, to just let go.

I took one last look at it as I turned back towards Erebor.
I fought the urge to go back and pick it up. But I knew it would not be right. I trudged back to Erebor.
Accepting everything. I had to accept everything. In a split second, everything that I devoted my life to, everything I would have given up everything for, or what I did give everything up for, including the life of my companion, done and gone.
It wasn't my love. But if he didn't care enough to show his concern. And instead turn and immediately look the other way. Then what shall he do if it was a confession of love?

I reached Erebor once again and immediately walked home. I tried to hide the blood on my forehead and side. But I saw many eyes on me. Maybe not for the blood, but perhaps word got out that I was missing.

"Good day, ms. Madeira!" A voice came up to me, walking past. She carried a basket of fruit. It was a distant friend. Ziraz. She was merely acquainted to me. Only saying hello on occasion. She was a nice Dwarf, long auburn hair and a friendly face, she also knew how to fight. And strangely enough, she did not have a beard.
But I barely knew her. And I was not about to get to know her, after everything, I wasn't going to lose another.

"Same to you." I nodded, holding the urge to tear up in the back of my throat.
She stopped.

"May I ask where you've been?" She turned slightly to face me.

"You may, although there's not a guarantee that it will be said. I'm sure word will get out soon, you may hear it around the watering hole." I turned towards home.

I walked quicker, hoping not to be stopped again. I did not want to see the world anymore. Just when I thought I knew what the world was about. It shot back at me "you know nothing!"
And I did know nothing of this world.

I finally reached home.
But it was not as easy as I thought. I ended up wandering into the Gallery of the Kings, the Eastern Hall, the Western Card Room and wherever else.
Perhaps my mind blurred out trying to take in everything that happened.

I shot my sword and Ariannell's arrows onto the ground, then raced over to the bucket of water and splashed my face.
My forehead stung as the water cleaned it out.
I lifted my head from the water and placed my hands of the sides for stability.
I felt as if there was nothing left.
There was nothing.
In the course of 1 day, my world shattered into unfixable pieces.
My best supporter, dead. The life that could have been, gone. Thorin was disappointed and furious. I could see why he would never speak to me again, I wouldn't.
I defaced his trust, and after all those years, I still was not honest about it.

I trudged over to another bucket of water in the bathroom, I stripped out my my mother's now filthy jacket and the rest of my clothing, shooting them into the bucket.
I rounded back to my room and grabbed a comfy dress, putting it on I walked back to the bathroom.
I looked at the clothes in the bucket, rolled up my sleeves and began to scrub the,
There was blood on the side and the sleeves, it did not come out easy.

After a while of scrubbing, I hung the clothes on a line, and headed to bed.
I hadn't slept in days. Or I hadn't had a good sleep in days, I'd been passed out for 3 or 4 days in Mirkwood, but that was hardly considered rest.
So as soon as I got to bed, I was fast asleep.

~

A few days passed.
The nightmare struck again. Nearly every night.
Azog. His mace implanting in my side.
Thorin. I couldn't do anything to help him.
It always tore me apart.

I shot up gasping.
I was nearly sure it would stop after telling Thorin.
But I guess not.
Dry tears covered my cheeks. I could feel them.
I knew there was no way I was going to get back to sleep. So I got up, walking to the bucket of water and splashing my face once again, hoping to clear my mind. It proved ineffective.
I walked to the bathroom and checked the clothes. They were dry.
I put them on, I was not about to waste time in here today.

I put on the dark green, waist length shirt and dark brown pants, the side of the pants had around the ankles had a small design on them. Then I out the dark green, long-sleeved jacket on top and buttoned only one button at the middle, followed by two belts below the bosom. The bottom of the jacket cut up almost to my thighs, I guess to allow more movement.
I slipped my boots on and went back to my bedroom to put my necklace back on.

I did not waste time sitting around. I needed to get out.

So I began walking through the halls, just as I always did.
I must have circled the mountain 3 times, going through nearly every hall and room. Others attempted to greet me, I returned the favour and kept walking. It was nice to live in Erebor, everyone knew everyone. Everyone knew where everyone lived. It was amazing, I could not ask for more.
I walked around the West wing when I heard powerful footsteps fast approaching from behind. I looked back.
Thorin.
He walked up to me.

"Madeira." He stated powerfully.