False Pretense [EreRi/RiRen AU]

Chapter 18: Let Me Love You

*****

After everything that happened, I found myself unable to sleep that night. All I did was stare at the ceiling above me, not moving even by an inch, letting the darkness around me took over.

How did everything turned out to this cluster of mess? Just a few months ago, I felt so happy, so complete that I thought that nothing could ever go wrong. But I was wrong. I was so damn wrong.

Because now, I'm in this huge fucking mess, one that I'd rather not be in with. It's messing me up, messing with my thoughts, my emotions, my judgment. I've never felt like this before, never felt so out of control over the situation, but I guess that there's a first time for everything.

I turned on my bed, now facing to the left and from my place; I saw a glint coming from the nightstand. The light coming from the moon caused it and I reached my arm out, taking the source of the glint.

It was the necklace that has a key pendant that Eren gave to me that night we spent on the rooftop when we picked Isabel up from the airport. At that time, I still believe that he is Rein, and the rush of memories and images that it brought to my mind only made me close my eyes, my hand clutching the key pendant in the process.

Maybe that's the reason why he's been acting strange those days. The reason he has been spacing out too much, like his mind is so far away. Is he already thinking that his secrets will be revealed soon so he kept on reminding me that he loves me and even gave me this key?

I didn't know that love can be so fucking selfish.

I felt cold laying on my own bed, despite being buried under the comforter that can be considered thick enough to fight the cold off. Up until now, my body seems to be yearning for the familiar heat Eren has provided me, the kind of warmth that envelops me and makes me feel safe. My body missed having something warm to hold onto, hear the calm beating of his heart that sounded like a lullaby, a sweet sound that often leaves me feeling content and loved. I missed having our late night talks, our voices hushed as we talk about nonsense, just to keep on hearing each others' voices, or talk about what plans we have for the future. The way he stares at me, as if I'm that one thing he couldn't ever live without.

I didn't realize that my anger towards him already dissipated long before I even knew it, and I'm just acting like I still do just to bury these thoughts and feelings that I have for him. However, I can't keep on pretending for all of these things seem to have its own mind, reminding me and making me aware of what I truly feel under all the emotions I set on the surface to reflect on me.

But it's already too late, isn't it? We already accepted it, already gave up, for nothing good will ever fucking come out of this. He made the last move earlier, and all that's left for us is to move on and accept that nothing would ever be just like how it used to.

Clearing my mind off any thoughts, I took a deep breath, taking one last look at the necklace before placing it back on the nightstand, forcing myself to sleep with the dull pain that took home in my chest, thinking that maybe this is for the best.

*****

The next day, I wasn't surprised to know that I woke up still as tired as I did last night. I only got less than three hours of sleep, so it isn't surprising to have my head feeling like it's going to split in half, my body not having enough energy to function properly.

And that's the exact fucking reason why I was fuming the whole time Hanji dragged me along to wherever they go. I couldn't recall how many stores we already went to, their hands already full so they asked me to help them, making me carry their belongings as we enter another shop once again.