False Pretense [EreRi/RiRen AU]

Chapter 20: Confusion and Reassurance

Oh look! An update! Woah! I was able to finish this in a day. Hopefully it doesn't suck

Anyways, more angst ahead. Proceed with caution. (When will I stop writing angst?) I hope that you enjoy this. (please ignore the mistakes)

*****

Even an hour after Eren left for his said practice, I still found myself reliving the same exact scene inside my mind, still chastising myself for my actions. For a reason that I know so damn well, I want to jump off a fucking cliff and drown myself together with this guilt that took home in my chest. The whole time, there's only one question that's running inside my mind; Why the fuck did I do that? I still haven't found the answer to the question.

What's worse is that the blank look on Eren's face, the hurt that is reflected in his beautiful turquoise eyes, is still present in my mind. Still making my breath hitch, making my heart clench, and at that time all I wanted is to go home and curl up on my bed as I try to escape this by sleeping despite my lack of ability to provide it to myself every night. I closed my eyes and turned my head down, attempting to calm the fast beating of my heart, tuning out anything, everything in my mind. My hands clenched around the metal chain of the swing to stop my hands from shaking.

It annoys me how much Eren still affects me. How seeing him hurt, especially because of me, makes me want to rip my goddamn heart out just to stop the excruciating pain I feel coming from it. How every night, even after talking to Rein before I go to sleep, he's the one I am thinking about, how fucking nice it would be to be beside him, to be curled up with him and see his face the moment I wake up. How my mind subconsciously replace Rein's amber eyes with his turquoise ones.

I fucking hate it.

I hate the fact that my fucking heart kept on seeking Eren's presence despite the fact that Rein is together with me, loving me, earnestly offering me his heart in spite the fact that I fell for his twin during the span of time I spent with him. I know that this is hard not only for Eren and I but for Rein also. He got his heart broken before, he knew what it feels like to have your heart broken but still, he's trying for me. Even though I may not love him back, he's trying.

But I am also trying, am I not? I am trying to forget about Eren and learn to fall in love with Rein, just like how I used to and like what I believed before. It is just so fucking hard to do it if everything I do reminds me of him.

With my mind cleared, I wasn't oblivious to the sound of children laughing around me, carefree and happy, and it aches how fucking much I wanted to go back in time. The time where we didn't need to worry, where we were only focused on having fun, dreaming of what might happen in the future. Thinking about what I used to dream back then makes me want to laugh. I certainly did dream of the three of us being together, our bond of friendship intact, but it wouldn't take a fucking genius to know and understand that our situation now is too damn far from that. We were neck deep in problems, in pain. So much that I'm starting to think of what might've happened if I didn't let myself get too comfortable with Eren and let my shitty self fall far too fast.

However, if I did that, I wouldn't have felt truly happy in those months. I wouldn't have felt complete, safe and I wouldn't find home that's residing in him. The taste of his lips, the warmth of his embrace, his voice that feels like silk to my ears. Those three words that made me felt like I'm the most important thing in the world for him, even more than water and oxygen. I wouldn't have experienced all of that if I didn't. But can these things really satisfy all of these troubles that we are facing right now?

"Here, Levi." Rein's voice pulled me out of my deep thoughts. Opening my eyes before looking up from the ground, I saw Rein standing in front of me, offering me a cone of mint chocolate ice cream. He was looking rather apprehensive because of what just happened and because of my actions regarding it. I only said a few words to him since earlier, words that even sounded void of any emotions. I felt guilty for it.