False Pretense [EreRi/RiRen AU]

Chapter 13: Return

This is unedited. Please ignore it. Ahead to the shitty chapter.

*****

Eren's POV

I fucked up.

I knew that since the moment I saw Levi standing by the doorway, eyes wide with his skin pale like all of his blood has been sucked out of him. Knew it since the moment our eyes met, since his gunmetal eyes clashed with my turquoise eyes. At that moment, all of the things I feared off happened, and all my nightmares became my reality.

I never wanted to lie to him. I never wanted to pretend as my twin. But my selfishness got me, lured me into an illusion where I can be with him, where I can feel loved by the one that I wanted the most since I was a kid. The one who never got to be mine because he was someone else's since the start. And that someone is none other than my fucking twin.

It fucking hurts. I never got to tell him I love him. Instead I was forced to watch at the sideline, watch the both of them look at each other with nothing but fondness. It feels like stabbing myself with a poisonous knife every time I need to spend my time with them, just to be treated like an extra. I want Levi all to myself, to be the one who he loves, but I can't. Rein is the one he wants, not me.

My selfishness got me to where I wanted. I got to spend time with him, I got to tell him what I feel towards him, I got to feel loved by him. But it wasn't enough. I wasn't truly happy. I can't be happy knowing that he only loves me because he thought that I was Rein. That everything I did for him, it was Rein who's doing that. It didn't make me happy to hear those three words when the truth is it wasn't for me, but for someone that I pretended to be.

I felt guilty. Every night my conscience bugs me, slowly eating me away. It gets more and more harder to carry as each day pass by, making the weight on my shoulder heavier. But I couldn't deny the fact that it still made me glad. Every second that I spent with him made me feel alive, like I'm the luckiest person that ever existed. The way his hands perfectly fit with mine, the way his soft lips feels like live wire every time it meets with mine, the way his voice softened every time he tells he loves me. It made all of the guilt I feel be forgotten, buried at the back of my mind.

But now I couldn't go on with all of my lies. Just the look of Levi made my heart shatter into pieces, made me want to go back in time and undo all of the pretense I made.

And then he cried, asking me for a good fucking reason why. A good reason why I did all of that. I couldn't respond. There's no good reason for what I did. It was all fueled by my desire, fueled by my selfishness. No matter how I look at it, there's no fucking way that I can pull some valid reason for what I did to him.

The sight of him hurting and crying all because of me sent millions of bullet straight to my heart. I don't want him to fucking hate me. I don't know what I'll do if he starts to hate me but I couldn't blame him. It's all my fucking fault, and him hating me isn't enough to pay for what I did.

I was planning to tell him everything but I was scared. I'm a fucking coward for not taking responsibility over what I did. And now everything fell into a damn mess, a mess that I wouldn't be able to fix and clean up.

I let out another shout as I threw a punch on the wall, feeling my knuckles burn as it made another hard contact. I don't know how many times I did it, but soon enough I can see my knuckles being coated in red, my wound leaving a red mark on the wall. I kept on doing it, ignoring the pain coming out of my knuckles, hoping that the pain will somehow make me forget about the unbearable pain in my chest.