Little Deaths In Musical Beds (Brendon Urie)

Chapter Twelve: Just Be The Death Of Me

(Aveline's POV)

There is an emptiness in my chest. It's a dull ache radiating through my whole body, and it scratches, and it pulls, and it burns, and it's Brendon. The wound he inflicted but never licked clean. How could he? I wouldn't let him. That night, the night of the party, I wish I would have talked it out with him, but the sting of his lie was too much at the time. It is even now.

He's been gone for two months, and I find myself thinking of him all the time. A grey V-neck tee shirt that he'd left here at some point now serves as my pillowcase. I know it's pathetic, but it smells like him. I miss him so much. I miss the way it used to be. As it is now, I don't even answer his texts or his calls because I can't. I don't know what to say. I'm so broken on the inside that I don't think I have a voice, not for him anyway. If I fell too hard on the ground I'm sure I would shatter into a thousand pieces. I'm that fragile.

My sister is a God sent. She's been nothing less than amazing, but she's always been good that way. She doesn't ask me a lot of questions. She just tries to keep me busy with mundane things and leisurely activities. The other day we drove to Los Angeles just for the hell of it. The beach is amazing, and yesterday it did not disappoint. While we sat on the sand letting the sun tan our skin, Ella decided to question me carefully about the predicament. Her questions treaded lightly and never hurt or offended me.

"I love him Ella," I admit to her, "I don't want anyone else," I continue to tell her, "He's the one, my one."

Ella sits up on her elbows and pulls her sunglasses up. She looks down at me.

"Ave," and I know that voice. The one she uses when she's unsure.

"You're so young," she reminds me, "Both of you," uh yeah I know that sis.

"Are you sure you want to be tied down like that?"

I sit up quickly, "Tied down?" I laugh, "It's not a prison. It's a relationship."

We didn't discuss it after that. She knew better than to bring him up to me right now.

I feel my cell phone buzz in my pocket. I know it's him. I pull it out to look at it. My heart feels like it stops beating and my breath hitches in the back of my throat.

Brenny: Okay, you win. I will leave you alone. I fucked this up and I'm sorry. I will never forgive myself. But please don't think any of this was because I didn't love you enough. I did. I do. I always will. Take care of yourself yeah? Love, B

No! Shit! Fuck! Just no! He isn't supposed to give up! What is he doing? My anger begins to bubble to the surface, but then I realize that I've given him no choice. I've been shutting him out since it happened. How he must be feeling. How small, how incompetent, how trapped. Fuck! This is so hard. On the one hand I want to forgive him, open my arms and let him come to me, on the other I close my eyes and all I can see are visions of he and Ryan. The visions aren't what hurt. I need to make that clear. I am a girl. Ryan is a boy. We have different parts, different things to offer. I'm not upset about that. It's just a constant reminder that he lied.

I sigh and fall back onto my pillow, the one with his shirt attached. I breathe in his scent and the tears start to fall immediately. Soon, I'm in a full-fledged sob, grabbing the pillow and hugging it to me. I'm shaking, wailing, falling apart again. I have no control because I left it with him. I can't let him go. Not responding to that text would be my biggest regret, and I can't have that. It's time to face the music, kind of literally. I sit up on the bed and grab my phone, then open my texting app to reply.

Liri: Bren, I don't want you to go. I mean, I want to talk about this. Please. I know I've been shitty to you, and I'm sorry...

A few minutes go by, but they feel like hours,

Brenny: I don't know...I think, maybe, I don't know...

What the hell? What does he mean he doesn't know?

Liri: What? Are you breaking up with me?

An immediate response,

Brenny: I'm not sure. Maybe it's for the best?

The tears begin to fall again. My heart feels like it beats double time in my chest. The four walls I am contained in feel like they are closing in, and I feel like I am suffocating.

Liri: Is this about Ryan?

Another immediate reply,

Brenny: No. I just don't know. I'm so...confused...lost? Let's just talk when I get back. I can't deal with this right now.

I don't answer him. My brain is still trying to process what my eyes have just seen. He did a 180. Yesterday he begged me back, and today he's saying this bullshit? I scream out in frustration and throw my phone across the room. It luckily lands on my armchair, but I think it would have satisfied me more if it broke. Putting my face in my hands, I let the tears flow, let the sobs erupt, let the pain flood me because in the end I know he's going to be the death of me, so why not welcome it?