Little Deaths In Musical Beds (Brendon Urie)

Chapter Fifteen: So It Seems I'm Someone I've Never Met

(Brendon's POV)

Avoiding Ryan has become part of my daily routine. I might not be able to stop the thoughts I have about him, but I can make sure I have as little contact with him as possible. He hates it too, but fuck him, and fuck him for making me feel things I don't want to feel. Try explaining to your girlfriend why you are rubbing one out while sleeping next to her in the bunk when she's already fucked your brains out before you fell asleep, it doesn't go over very well I promise.

No, Liri is not really happy with me right now. She knows something is going on, and she knows I'm not talking about it. So, we do what all young couples do to get by, we get high and we fuck. Only, for her, it's a passing thing. For me, it's a little more complicated. We are halfway through the tour, and I'm finding myself increasingly agitated every second I'm not on something. I've been trying to fight it to no avail, but I have to be careful. If Liri finds out I'm snorting coke up my nose 24/7 she'll leave my ass for sure, and I don't want that. I'm just...God, I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I don't party with the band. It happens away from them so as to not draw attention to myself or the other guys. Liri and I usually go to a party, and it's true, she'll do the drugs there with me and then we'll go to a room or back to the bus and fuck, mostly because we're high, but also because we can. She's quite the little vixen when she's high. This is not the life I want for her. She should have nice things, a nice house, a nice car, a big fat diamond on her finger, but I know that's not going to happen, at least not right now anyway. Before this tour started, that's all I wanted, but something is changing in me. I can feel it.

When I wake up in the mornings I immediately leave the bunk. I used to stay in bed and cuddle with her until our stomachs wouldn't let us anymore. All I want in my life right now is to be alone. What the fuck is wrong with me? I know what it is, but I won't admit to it. I won't admit he's made me push Liri away. How could I let him do that? Fuck, I do love her, more than anything. I'd take a fucking bullet for her, hell unload the whole gun on me if it means she'll be happy. I can't do this. I can't hurt her, not again, not with him.

Tonight, we've just finished a set, and I'm sweaty. I just want to get these smelly clothes off. There are no showers until tomorrow when we get to the hotel, and I hate that. I hate having to smell like this. It makes me feel even more animalistic than I already do. I rush back to the bunk area as I'm unbuttoning my shirt. Liri is laying on the bunk reading. I didn't even realize she wasn't at the show.

"What are you doing?" I ask her.

"What's it look like I'm doing?" She retorts in a tone that tells me she's not happy.

"I can see that," I take off my shirt and place it in a bag marked 'dirty', "Why didn't you come watch the show?"

She shrugs, "Same show every night."

This really gets my blood boiling, "Same show every night?" I repeat her question raising my tone.

She rolls her eyes and puts down her book. She gets out of the bunk and stands inches from my shirtless body.

"Don't get all worked up Bren," she tells me, "I didn't mean anything by it."

"But you did," I grab her arm as she tries to walk away.

Her gaze could slit me open like a sword, "Take your hands off of me," she demands.

"No," I tighten my grip.

"Brendon," she says my name with warning, "Take your fucking hands off of me."

"No," I repeat pulling her to me and kissing her hard, backing her up against the bunks. She puts her hands on my bare chest and pushes me backward.

"You're fucking high aren't you?"

"What?"

"You.Are.Fucking.High," she enunciates each word.

"Don't accuse me of shit you don't know anything about," I defend myself.

She laughs a little, "Brendon," she says, "You're always high," she laughs again.

I try to stop myself, but before I know it my hand is coming back. Then, in a flash it's making contact with her face, swift and hard. The sound echoes through my ears, and I know I've made a very, very big mistake. She lets out a yelp and brings her hand up to cover her cheek. Her eyes stay glued to the floor, and I can see tears dripping out of them.

"Fuck Liri I'm so-"

"Don't!" She holds her index finger up at me, "Don't you fucking dare tell me you're sorry. You're not sorry. In fact, I think you're pretty damn proud of yourself," the tears are still falling as she grabs her sweater and leaves me standing there. I don't dare follow her because she needs to cool off. She needs to cool off a lot, if she ever does at all, which I would be lucky if she did.

I can't think of anything else to do so I go into the lounge and close the door behind me. I pick up the acoustic that's lying in there and begin to strum it. I don't play anything in particular. I just need to hear the chords of the music, feel the vibrations of the strings underneath my fingertips because this is my first love, and she will never leave me no matter what I do. I could fuck up a million times and music would always be here for me. I play well into the night, writing down ideas on the pad lying on the coffee table. When I'm done, I put the guitar down and open the lounge door slowly. As I walk quietly toward my bunk I notice that Liri isn't in it. Shit, she never came back. I make my way to the front of the bus and stop in my tracks, my mouth hanging open, the heat in my body rising. On the couch, are Liri and Ryan, asleep, together. She's in his arms like she should be in mine. What a fucking dick. How could he do this to me? And her, what the fuck is she doing?

I grab my jacket and storm out of the bus. They can have each other for all I care. I'm getting fucked up, and while I'm at it I'm going to get fucked, hopefully by some hot chick who isn't Liri, anything to make me forget about the two of them stabbing me in the back. Fuck man, I can't believe this. I know I fucked up. I get that, but did I really deserve this? She was pulling away just as much as I was, so why was I suddenly the horrible one? Oh, yeah, that's right. I look down at my hand. Congratulations Brendon, you've managed to push away the two people you love the most, right into each other's arms. Ding, ding, ding, you win. That's when I see her. She's blonde and looking right at me, undressing me with her eyes. I motion her over to where I sit at the bar, and she follows like a lost puppy. I want her, want to fuck her, put her scent all over me so that they can both smell it when I get back. Fuck both of them. I'll show them.