Little Deaths In Musical Beds (Brendon Urie)

Chapter Seventeen: This Was A Therapeutic Chain Of Events

Zack revved the tour bus engine in an effort to hurry the boys along. Everyone boarded the bus, a very hung over looking Brendon heading up the rear. His feet were dragging underneath him, and his sunglasses were not hiding anything even though he felt better with them on. He threw himself down on the couch and put his head against his hand, rubbing circles on his temple. Ryan kept looking over at him wondering when he was going to notice. If he even did. He was so far up his own ass that no one else mattered anymore.

Zack looked in the rear view mirror making sure everyone had boarded, when he was satisfied he pulled out. It wasn't until Ryan got up an hour later that Brendon addressed anything. He grabbed Ryan's wrist and looked up at him, his sunglasses still hiding his eyes.

"Where is she?" He asked with poison on his tongue.

"She's gone Brendon," Ryan shook his wrist free of Brendon's grip as he began to walk toward the back of the bus.

Brendon pushed his sunglasses on top of his head and sprung to his feet. He caught Ryan's shoulder with his hand pulling him around so that they were facing each other.

"What do you mean she's gone?" Brendon's eyes finally looked like his own.

Ryan shrugged, "She went home."

"Why would she do that?"

"As if you don't know," Ryan laughed, "Come on Brendon, you've been treating her like shit for weeks, you cheated on her, and God only knows what you did last night because she was broken as all hell."

Brendon sucked in a breath remembering only bits and pieces of the night. He tried to go over it in his head but nothing made sense. He didn't make sense, and he wouldn't make sense without her.

"Where is home?" Brendon asked curiously.

"Oh no," Ryan shook his finger at Brendon, "You don't get to do that," he told him, "She left for a reason," he continued, "Leave her alone, that's what she wants."

Brendon sunk his head as his shoulders came up. Ryan hadn't seen him like this since he'd first met him.

"She said that?" The thought of her wanting that hit him hard.

"Yeah Brendon she did," Ryan's voice was softer this time as his hand rested on Brendon's shoulder, "It's probably better this way. You two were only hurting each other."

"Y-yeah, you're right," Brendon bit his lip. He could feel the tears and the lump forming in the back of his throat. He knew he shouldn't cry there, but he couldn't help it. He did this. He fucked things up. He drove her away, hurt her, scared her, and made her not want him. The next thing Ryan knew Brendon's arms were wrapped around him, tears were soaking his shirt. He wanted to be angry with him, but he couldn't, not with him like this. He brought his hands up and rubbed his back. One of his hands went into Brendon's hair, caressing the back of his head.

"Come on now," Ryan whispered, "Get yourself together," he tried to be supportive, "This isn't going to solve anything."

"I-I- can't d-do this," Brendon sobbed, "I-I-love her."

"I know Bren," Ryan soothed still rubbing his back and the back of his head, "You're going to be okay, but you have to learn from this."

Brendon pulled back and looked at him, "I n-never th-thought she-she'd leave me," he wiped his eyes.

"She had to," Ryan explained, "She was really hurt, heartbroken, she couldn't take it anymore."

Brendon nodded and sniffed, "I-think I wa-want to b-be alone."

"Okay," Ryan patted his shoulder.

"Ryan," Brendon stopped him before he headed to the front of the bus.

Ryan turned to look at him, "Yeah Bren?"

"I'm sorry," he apologized, "For all of it," he wiped his eyes again, "Neither of you deserved-"

"I accept your apology," Ryan told him with a half smile, "Why don't you try to get some sleep?"

Brendon nodded as Ryan disappeared behind the door to the bunk area. He immediately grabbed his duffle bag and began to go through it. He pulled out every pill, every bag of coke, everything he'd been putting in his body that had led him to where he was. He went into the bathroom and dumped it all into the toilet. As he watched the pills fall into the dark abyss, the coke spread out and sprinkle into it, he realized that this was the reason she was gone. These simple ingredients concocted in someone's garage most likely, were the reason that he'd grown into an insufferable bastard causing the person he loved most in this world to run away from him.

He sighed as he left the bathroom, and then lay on his bunk. As he closed his eyes he tried to imagine a world without Liri. It only made more tears come, but she haunted him and rightfully so. She would always haunt him, until the day that he died. She would always be his biggest regret. He took the crayon and never gave it back and now she was gone, looking for another crayon to color the world with, without him, without her other half. He thought about this until sleep finally found him, and he was safe in the arms of the unknown, where thoughts played around with your psyche but you never knew what would come out. He was at peace, the last time he would be for a long while.