It is the day of Lincoln's conduced death. In honour of him, I am wearing all blue today because it is...was, his favourite colour, and specifically royal blue. Being of royal blood or royalty was a wish most children had once in their lives because they think that having power and wealth is everything. Some adults still believe that even today because some children never grow up. Lincoln felt that royal blue was the strongest and most powerful colour in all the different shades of blue.
I am wearing a blue V-neck T-shirt, blue skinny jeans, and blue pumps. People might think I am crazy or have a blue obsession. I might look crazy because I am not wearing the prescribed black overall everyone is meant to wear to not mess up your clothing. The worst they could think of me is that I am the Dolphin ladies residence mascot which is one of our major rivals. I don't care what people think of me because I feel like my pain is too large to care about petty college enemies.
I am downstairs in the recreation hall painting a banner for house week with a few of the committee members. The banner consists of 7mx5m long black fabric with the Jaguar mascot head in the middle of the words 'HOUSE WEEK' in gold. Then to make the banner stand out even more gold glitter streaks will be added to the words to create the effect of a jaguar clawing through the words. If all 50 house week committee members were here it would have taken less than 4 hours to do it. But only 17 members were able to attend which meant that a whole lot of time has to be spent in making the banner. There are more things that have to be made to make the house week come alive which means spending at least 3 days trying to complete it all. I don't know the other duties but all I know is that I have Banner duty.
The world around me is just continuing as normal and all I want is for all activity to stop. I want everyone to automatically know what is going on with me today by the use of their psychic powers they all of a sudden acquired and understand what I am going through. Or try to at least read my body language or facial expressions and notice that I am not okay. I don't think it takes a psychology degree to see that someone is feeling down. I do my work in silence almost as to mourn the passing of my once great friend. I am distracted today and I keep zoning out to look out the glass doors. Even the weather is feeling blue.
No sun, just thick grey clouds signalling a storm coming. The wind also seems to be gaining on us and broke a few branches off the trees outside and the swimming pool is covered in leaves. Many times I felt the world is going to end in either a hurricane or tornado today. I start feeling sick to my stomach, then I start feeling faint and to top it all off I get a mind-scattering headache. I think the scent of the paint is not making my pain any easier.
After an hour into painting, I asked to be excused and the committee leader is glad I asked because she could see I am not looking too well. I am glad that I get to be alone for the next few days because if my roommate were here I would have to pretend that I am okay. It hurts my soul to do anything today because I am in so much pain.
The rest of the day I spend in bed and feel like I keep going in and out of consciousness with myself and my emotions. I think it has to do with the stages of grief but every time I get to the acceptance part of it, I go back to denial. I can't believe he is really gone. I keep trying to sleep thinking that it will help with the way I am feeling but my dreams are as bad as my reality and nothing is going to change what has just happened.
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Malona called me 3 days after Lincoln's death, wanting us to meet up. I saw it as a sob session because she wanted me to meet her at her apartment. No one wants to cry in public about their dead brother. I decided to bring a box of tissues and chocolate ice-cream, her favourite, to help with the situation. We are going to ball our eyes out while eating ice-cream; it will probably be tasteless because no amount of ice-cream consumption will ever bring Lincoln back. It is the thought that counts and I am trying to be a courteous guest by bringing a gift. Hopefully, after or during the tears I can get the details for the funeral. I wonder if they will keep his wish of being buried in an all blue suit and the attendees wearing blue.
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