The Book Of Beautiful Souls

Naziaxo

The Story of @Naziaxo

I'm 12 years old. For 4 years, I have had insecurities and it killed me. I hate my body. I hate my looks. You name it, I hate it. This month, something snapped. I just self harmed. It felt as if I was releasing this pain which I was holding onto but later on, I found out that, that was not the case.

My family eventually saw my scars and they talked to me. I was crying for 20 minutes because I hated all the attention. The reason why I self harmed was because I was called anorexic and school. I was called bones and sticks. It hurt. It hurt so damn much that I thought I needed to hurt myself. My sister gave me advice and told me that her friend was going through the exact same thing at the start of the year. My sis then told me that its okay to have insecurities. Heck we all have them!

She told me that I have to forgive and forget. Meaning I had to forgive the people who called me anorexic because if I don't, then I will still be holding onto that pain. I haven't self harmed for 2 weeks and I am trying my best to stay clean.

This was the message she sent me at first with the request of remaining anonymous. Then I think the next day, she sent another message, and that message, it tore my heart apart.

I was in year 7 when I lost my closest friend to suicide. She told me everything about her problems and I listened and never judged her, but I did try to help her. At school, I would constantly find marks on her wrists and it made me cry so much. I felt her pain so I told the teacher. She told me she doesn't want anyone to know but I didn't listen and told someone.

She eventually went counselling and she asked me to come with her, so I agreed. I could see that everyday she was getting better and I had hope that she was going to stop the self harm. Then, this one day at school she didn't come. I thought she was ill, so I left it until after school I got a text from her phone. I replied back to soon find out it was her mother.

She told me that Alex (Not her real name), has committed suicide.

Once I heard that, I felt as if time has stopped and it felt as if every bad thing keeps happening to me. I was in tears and I ran to her house and her mum opened up and told me she was in the bedroom and she said not to touch anything because the police came. I dropped my bag and ran to her room and what I saw shocked me.

I saw Alex, hanged.

The worst sight to see and it scared me to death. I cried for hours and hours without end. She promised me that she would get better for me and I had hope but then she did this. I went home and locked myself in my room with no food and water. I didn't want to eat because it hurt so much.

Fast forward to a week and it is already her funeral. Her mother asked me if I could sing for her funeral, so I agreed and ended up singing A Thousand Years. That was our song and I cried halfway through it. After that song, I had to make a speech and that was also tough for me.

The funeral finished and I just locked myself in my room, just thinking. My family helped me get out of the shock and made sure that I was healthy again and I can't thank them enough. I pay my respects to Alex and I know she is watching over me from above.

❇❇❇

ThePsychoMadHatter: She is... She really is.

Guys, you know, after reading this story, I remembered Jess, and I realized how much it hurts to lose someone you cared deeply about. And then I realized,

Aren't we doing the same thing?

By hurting ourselves, aren't we hurting the ones who care about us? Just imagine you dying, and your friends, your family, The Mad Hatter Family, finding out about it.

How would you feel if someone of our family committed suicide?

I would be devastated. Heck, I would quit writing. It doesn't matter if I barely know you, BUT I FUCKING CARE AND I ALWAYS WILL.

Because I know pain, I know anxiety, I know depression. We may be fighting different demons, but we are in the same hell.

Do me a favor, all of you, and look at yourself in the mirror. Smile, because you deserve it. You deserve to be happy. Touch your reflection, and be happy that you have people who will always care. Talk to your reflection, you will make it out alive, you will live for the ones who care.

The next time you're with your friends, don't get sad over the moments they perhaps didn't hear you talk or cut you off, instead, be happy over the moments they laughed with you, they told you how much they care.

We all live in our own world, in our own universe, and it is our duty to make it as beautiful as ever. Don't focus on the things you do not have. Be grateful for the things you do have.

And I promise, it will bring a change. It will take time, but it will happen. And no matter how hard it gets, just know, that The Mad Hatter Family will forever and always be here for you ❤

❤ Stay Strong, and I love you all. ❤