The Book Of Beautiful Souls

viaaahonestlyshutup

The Story of @viaaahonestlyshutup

My parents divorced when I was one year old. I always had summers and switched holidays with my dad, but I even though I lived with my mom I never got to see her...

We had a nanny. When I was six (just turned in July), something happened on November 9th 2010, a Tuesday morning. I woke up really happy.. (I had a cool dream) I went to go say good morning to my mom but what I got was a bunch of people around her with her boyfriend sitting next to her. His name was Jonathan.. (I didn't like him very much), but as I was walking towards him and he told me, “Everything was fine and to just go downstairs to see Trish.” (our nanny) and my brothers (3).

So I went downstairs, grabbed a pop tart, and asked what was going on. Trish told me it was gonna be fine. After we ate I went to my step grandparents house (very complicated. I'll tell you that one later) later that morning my step dad (mom divorcing him wasn't finalized. Again I'll tell you later) he told me and my brothers (3 of them) that she had passed away...

I didn't really believe him at first; it was all shock before I cried. I didn't really know what was happening but all I knew was that she broke her promise she had left me... I was alone, only 6.. And she had left me. She promised me she would never ever leave and that she would always hold my hand, but I couldn't feel it.. It was gone.

The feeling and touch was gone.

It was like all my dreams were crushed I looked up to her like she was my God. In my eyes I was going to grow up to be her. But then again, I couldn't necessarily comprehend it until I was older. I remember seeing her face in the casket. Giving her a kiss saying I loved her. But I didn't cry. I don't know why. I think its because I didn't know when I would stop.

After that me and 2 of my brothers ( 3rd one part of the other thing) moved in with my dad. It was rough at first and it was right before the holiday season started. But I guess things kinda got better.. When I was with my cousin Ella I was the happiest.

I'm not done.

I thought all of it was a dream. Like I would wake up. I felt like everyone was messing with me, playing this game I've never heard of. Like they were all laughing at me refusing to pinch me or wake me up. I didn't know the feeling of what to do. I just missed my mom. We never went to go give her flowers on her birthday or her death anniversary and I don't really know why. We never do it to this day.

But I'm 12 years old now. I get it now. Though sometimes I still think that its a dream or a sick twisted game that I'll never wake up from or win, I'm depressed. I'm pretty sure clinically.

I picture her face all the time... Over and over and over again like a never ending constant loop. She never leaves. It's like she's haunting me with her smile or her morning Willy sweater... Or her face in that casket. I really am lost in an alternative universe I feel like, maybe I'll wake up someday soon. Gosh I really hope... But I know that its real unfortunate that she's gone. And she really isn't holding my hand anymore.

Its like her finger tips pass mine by a centimeter every morning, every night, every hour, every minute, every second.. They slip by as if calling at me playfully to come and catch them. It really isn't humorous. But I guess I'll deal somehow.

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ThePsychoMadHatter: Guys, this made me cry... It really did. To all those people, dealing with their parents' death, or anyone dealing with someone's death, I am so sorry you possibly go through it alone, because sometimes it feels like, no one understands...

Sometimes, it feels like you're holding onto this hurricane of emotions, while everyone is just staring at you, wondering why you're getting torn apart, because they just don't understand.

I don't know, what it feels like to lose a parent... I... I can't even imagine how it must feel, but I do know what it feels like to deal with someone's death, and I do know it's painful and I want you to know that I, we... Understand.

We know it's difficult, but we just want you to hold on. Just hold on, because life is going so fast, and you have to go with it, not stay behind. And we will carry you if we have to, and we will be there for you. We love you ❤

❤Stay Strong ❤