The Book Of Beautiful Souls

Anonymous

A N O N Y M O U S

I was born into a loving family thirteen years ago in London. We lived in a flat and my dad was working long hours but not receiving much pay. With the pay that he did get, he ended up spending it on buying more properties in London to rent out to people. After a while however, my dad became a financial advisor and started earning good money.

My baby brother was soon born and our family ended moving to the countryside near Oxford. Life was good. I was only six when my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. I didn't really understand what was going on but I knew that my mum was very sick. We don't talk about it much, so I don't remember the details, but I remember she started going to the hospital a lot and wouldn't be home when I came back from school.

After a while she went into hospital to have the operation to get the cancer cut out. My dad was constantly taking me and my brother to see her and he quit his job so that he could be by her side. Her hair fell out and things weren't looking hopeful. We were told she was going to die. I really hate that my mum had to get cancer when I was six. If I'd have been older I could have helped my dad with my brother, maybe talked to him and reassured him everything would be okay and comforted my mum.

But instead I would cry and cry because my mum was gone. I remember being in the hospital and having to leave but not wanting to go. I cried and screamed and kicked and fought my dad so that I could run back to my mum, I just wanted her back so badly. I was a selfish brat. My mum would be crying but I would still scream for her. Whenever I think about the sad look in her eyes I start crying. I did that.

My dad was already worried sick about her but obviously me being me had to go ahead and make everything ten times worse for them. My mum cried her eyes out while my brother stood to the side and my dad grabbed me and tried to get me out of the hospital, still kicking and screaming. My mum was sick and I was just making it so much worse for everyone out of my own selfishness.

My mum didn't die fortunately. My parents think what happened damaged me as for years after I couldn't go away from my mum without telling her how much I loved her. I know babyish, but I was scared to lose her again. After a while she was let out of hospital but all her hair had fallen out. She put a scarf around her head to try and cover it and people would often compliment her on her nice scarf.

When her hair started to grow back, she stopped wearing the scarf. I hate myself so much for this, but I was embarrassed. I know, I'm disgusting. She's just come from months of worry and stress, which I'd already been making worse, and now even though I'd missed her a lot, I was embarrassed. It makes me sick to think about it. Kids at school would often ask why my mum looked like a boy. I never knew how to respond.

I was the main popular girl so I was never bullied for it thankfully, but after my mum's operation I didn't want to be around people for a while. I told people to leave me alone, I know, again, stupid me, there are people all over the world that would love to be the main popular girl with all these friends that follow you everywhere, but I didn't want it because I was an idiot.

After that I was never really close with people. Everyone separated into their own groups and the moment I started to become quite friendly with people in a group, I would move to another group. I guess I was scared to lose someone close to me again. This went on for years. When I moved to secondary school, I became friends with everyone. I mostly hung out with the popular girls but they started being mean to a friend of mine so I left them.

I was sick of moving from group to group and this one girl and I started to grow close. We became best friends but it didn't end well. She wouldn't let me hang out with other people and threatened to stop being my friend if I did something she didn't like. I wanted to go to sports clubs on at lunch but she made me feel bad if I did go.

I just so badly wanted a best friend so I let her take control of me.

One day I finally got a wake up call and stopped being her friend. She spread my secrets and we didn't end up talking for months. I made friends with another group but I ended up being treated like crap there too. But I had no where else to go.

One day I was forced to be in a group with my ex best friend, we started talking and I'd missed having a best friend... so we started to become friends again and I thought maybe she's changed.

I know I'm really stupid.

I was always the thick one of the family. The situation got worse though. We became a massive group but we all had our own friends to the side. My friends to the side were my ex best friend and another girl. It was horrible. I was constantly teased and made fun of. We were all fighting to be each other's favourite and slowly I started to give up. They made me feel shit, picking out my flaws, bitching and whispering about me in front of me and making my life a living hell. I started to get anxiety from going to school and I felt so bad.

One day we had a fight, but that was the final straw. I couldn't cope with the things they said, everyday I was coming home feeling shit and laying awake at night, crying my eyes out. It wasn't fun either being known as the 'let down' of the family. My brother was always the best one. The clever one, the sporty one and the sweet goody too shoes. I'm naturally not clever and my dad would make sure I knew that, I liked lots of sports but my dad put too much pressure on me, so I told him I didn't like them and I was never good child.

Me and my dad didn't have anything to talk about anymore so I became his punch bag, to laugh at for being stupid and make fun of for his own enjoyment. I still am to this day. I'd had enough. The first few cuts weren't that bad. Just little scratches along my arm every few days, releasing my pain. Gradually they got worse though and soon I was cutting loads every night and would come out of it with blood pouring down my arm. Suicide started to become the only thing I would think about. It was just all too much. One day I caught my ex best friend calling me fat and I left the group for good with another girl who my ex best friend had started to call a slut.

The group ended coming back to me and wouldn't leave me alone. Apart from my ex best friend who knew I was not going to be with her again. We're all okay now but I'm not close to people just like before and I'm still made fun of sometimes. The people I'm with can do some shitty things sometimes, but where else do I go? I didn't want to be sad all the time, I wanted to get better so I started talking to ThePhsychoMadHatter and that girl has changed my life. She brings the beauty to everything and makes me feel so much better. I love this girl. Please anyone reading this, please comment to the side and tell ThePhsychoMadHatter how amazing she is. It's about time we all thanked her for helping us all out with our problems.

I still cut and feel like crap a lot and think about suicide sometimes and my anxiety has stopped me from wanting to go out or to people's houses. I've been told by a friend that she just can't imagine me sad, that I'm just always happy. I was told by this friend that her sister likes me the most because I look the funnest to be around. If only that knew lol.

I know most people reading this are probably thinking I'm ungrateful and sad over nothing, but all these stories have helped so many people and I just wanted to share my story in case it helps someone. Thanks for reading.

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ThePsychoMadHatter: *smacks you* bitch, how the fuck is that ungrateful?

We're best friends, and I will always be there for you, no matter what. I love you, and I know I've told you that a million times lol. So, my very strong burrito,

I know you'll make it, because I believe in you. We all do.

❤ Stay Strong ❤