We Know Better

A Propostition

On Tuesday, Brendon is at the table again and he is sitting next to me. We are talking about our classes. It is more accurate to say bitching about them. My focus is my AVID class and the current devotion we are putting towards college applications. I am specifically angry about the fact that we have to apply to a UC, Cal State, and a private school. Each extra application is extra that I do not need to spend. During the course of the conversation, he informs me that he has not even applied to any schools. When I ask him if he intends to, he tells me that he truly does not really know.

Midway through lunch, the girl I have seen him with his arm around on multiple occasions comes over to the table. She is really pretty and there is an obvious connection between them as they flirt. It does not take me long before I recognize that his attention is much better occupied with her. After a few more moments, he gets up, gently touching my arm as he says goodbye, and then he leaves with her. I cannot help myself as I watch them leave, even when he puts his arm around her again. My mind cannot really explain to me the weird feeling in my chest that spreads into my stomach.

When I get home from school that day, my mother and I sit around talking for a long while. I even let it slip that I have started talking to Brendon again. She is happy to hear that I am actually socializing and then she segways onto the topic of my childhood boyfriend. For whatever reason, she just really liked him and every chance she gets, she asks me about why we do not talk anymore. I do not know what to tell her. We just do not. It is not any deeper than that. She insists that I am the one who is at fault though and wonders out loud why I do not put myself out there more often. At this point, I am tired of trying to explain the anxiety I do not even understand myself to her. She is the type of person who will strike up a conversation with a random person at the store and I always have to question her after the fact about whether she actually knew the person or not, most times it is not. I was not blessed with her social skills and it is something she never lets me forget, because in many other aspects we are a lot alike.

I eventually climb up to my room and lay out my homework across my bed. With my music playing, I do my best to work through everything and focus. It is a hard task, but eventually I do finish and then my attention turns to finishing college applications. All of the colleges that I am applying to are pretty local, except for one which is twelve hours away. When I first found out about the college two years ago during my sophomore year, I fell in love. The area is green and filled with trees and life. The weather is always cool, which contrasts deeply with the constant Southern California heat I have grown up with. The class sizes are small and the school seems to fit in with many of the same liberal views that I hold. It was like a match made in heaven until I found out just how far away it is.

I had made a decision early on in my college searches that I wanted to stay pretty close to home because I never wanted to be too far from my mother. Even though my sister still lives in the area, I feel like I would be leaving her alone with my father and I do not know if I can ever bring myself to do that. It is hard enough living with him when we are together, it would be exponentially worse to be alone. At the same time, my sense of self preservation is attempting to kick in every time I think about leaving. That part of me wants to be as far away from my father as possible, to be free, and to not feel trapped all of the time. I just have no idea what I am going to do or if I will even have the strength to do it.

As I work on the application, I get a text from Brendon and he is asking what the name of the college I talked about earlier was. He is referring to the one way up North and my heart jumps a little just thinking about going to the same college. I reprimand myself for being so dumb and unrealistic. When I ask him why he wanted to know, he tells me it is because he is thinking about applying. Again I tell myself to not get too worked up.