We Know Better

Panic

My mom plops down on the couch next to me and says, "Alaina, you and Brendon haven't had sex have you?"

I choke on the water I was trying to drink. "Ma!"

"What? I'm just asking. I figured you'd tell me if you had, but I just wanted to make sure. Are you interested in having sex with him?"

I can feel the heat in my face. This is not the conversation I was prepared for when I sat down to watch Netflix with her. "Look I don't know. Maybe? Can we not talk about this?"

"Well have you talked about it with him?"

"No, I guess not really."

"Well, you should, even if it is to agree to wait. You two should know each other's comfort zones."

I know she's right. Annoyingly, she usually is, but this is still a conversation I'm not ready to have with her. "I know okay. If we reach that point we'll talk about it." I ignore the fact that we've already started down the path.

When school starts up the following week, I am hyper aware that Brendon and I are together, but not public. We haven't even talked about what we want to do about it. Thankfully, at break, I arrive before he does and pull Alessa and Mads aside to tell them about the two of us.

"Yes, I knew it!" Mads exclaims.

"Did you two go home and have sex on New Year's?" Alessa deadpans.

"Wait! You guys did what?!" I watch as Mads' eyes bulge.

"No, no, no shh." I quickly glance around to make sure no one is paying attention to us. "No, we haven't gone that far. Is that what you and Chris were doing when y'all disappeared that night."

Alessa purses her lips, "I decline to answer."

Mads sends her an amused look, "anyway," I continue "what I'm worried about is that we didn't talk about when school started up again. Before break, we barely even looked at each other because a thing happened between us. It'll be so obvious if we are super close to each other."

"I'm sorry, this might be a stupid question, but why is it such a bad thing if people know?" Mads asks.

"Well, I..." she makes a valid point, "I don't... know."

"Well maybe figure it out soon because here comes Lover Boy," Alessa announces.

I tense and turn around just in time to watch him approach me. He is smiling so big and brightly at me. If I can tell that he's smiling so bright because of me, then everyone else can probably see it too. My throat tightens and my stomach hollows out while it feels like a thousand eyes are on me. His face changes to concern when my expression becomes alarmed. His hand goes for mine and I quickly cross my arms.

"Laina...?" His face puzzled.

"I've got to go," I spout and push past him. Behind me, I hear Alessa advise against following me. What the fuck did I just do, again? Why can't I stop causing unnecessary issues between us?

He is all I can think about as I go through classes. I'm a monster. I am my father's child. Normal people communicate with the people they love. They don't lash out at them, especially when they have no idea what is going on. How many times have I cursed my father when he comes home from work and starts yelling about minute things? We know his problem is that he redirects all his issues to us so that there's an easy outlet, but in reality, he never deals with them, never communicates. I'm a bomb, and I don't want to go off on Brendon.

But then lunch rolls around, and the eyes. They're looking at me. They're looking at him approach the table. His eyes, they're guarded when he looks at me. I'm sitting at the end of the table, so he stands next to me. Neither Alessa or Mads are here. I feel on display. I don't want them to see what he sees in me. So I lock her away.

"Alaina, can we like talk?" I don't like the unsureness in his voice. I put that there.

I'm a poison, "about what?"

He licks his lips and touches the back of his neck. "You know what, Laina," he pushes out.

I do know. "Nothing to say." I look away.

"Ho-how can you--"

I let my eyes find his and I detonate, the words, "don't you have somewhere to be or something," come out with a voice that doesn't sound like my own.

It's like I can see his heart break in his face. He's at a loss. He nods rigidly and takes a couple of clumsy steps back. Brendon doesn't take his eyes from me until he turns and walks away from the table. I watch him go and as he passes Alessa and Mads I see the shock on their faces. I look around and the people at the other end of the table are in a circle talking to each other. Probably weren't even paying attention to us.

They approach and sit down at the table. "Laina, what just..." Mads trails.

I'm asking myself the same question. "I don't know, I don't know, but I just saw his heart break right in front of me. Oh my god, what did I do?" I look at them begging for an answer they can't give.

"I've never seen you be so... cold," Alessa says, "not even to me, and I've definitely deserved it. Did he?"

"Not one bit. I just got so worried about people seeing us or asking questions."

"So you took it out on him?" Alessa asks gently.

I nod dejectedly. "I've gotta go do something about this."

I race to my car and then to his house. The door is unlocked like he knew I'd come. The house is quiet so my footsteps sound like thunder. His door is closed so I stand with my hand on the knob and take a second to breathe. When I push the door open, he is sitting on his bed with his head in his hands. I slip in and close the door behind me, leaning against it.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

Nothing from him.

"I love you," I say and he drops his hands to gaze up at me. He looks tired. I did that. "You don't deserve what I did. Maybe it's best if we just stop..."

"No, Laina, you don't-- you don't get to do that okay. You can't tell me you love me and then say I'm better off without you. It's not fair. Pick one, you love me or we're over." My heart clenches when I hear 'we're over.'

"I've told you time and time again that I'm here for you and I am, but you've got to be in this too. I understand that there are things you're struggling with, but let me in Laina. That's all I've been asking. You have the power here. You decide if we're together or not."

I cross the room to him and drop to my knees in front of him. My hands press to his chest and our foreheads lean against each other. I can feel his heart hammering, just like mine.

"You're my everything," he confesses.

"I'm in this," I promise. "It's just that the thought of inviting everyone else into this terrifies me."

"No one has been invited. I'm in love with you. I'm in this relationship with you," he insists. "Look I get it. You don't want the attention and I don't want you to be uncomfortable. But I don't want less access to you than I had before we started dating on account of anyone else but you. We don't have to tell anyone a thing. I don't want a wall between us when we're in public."

I nod against him. "You're right. I don't want to act like I wouldn't give the world to you if I could."

"And if people start asking questions or whatever, because we hang out with a very nosey and invasive group, you can deflect them to me."

"Okay," I agree.

"So I get to touch you, hold your hand and all that sappy bullshit and you ignore everyone else. Sound like a plan?"

"Sounds like a plan," I echo.

"Good," he grins, "now come here, because I haven't kissed you all day and it's been torture." He pulls me up from in front of him and I maneuver onto his lap.

Soon, I have him on his back with his hands on the bed above his head, interlaced with mine. Our mouths finding each other's like that's what they were made for. With his body under mine, I might be tempted to believe that to be true.