We Know Better

Decisions Made

It's raining and soon we will have to make our college choices. I am in his room, standing at the window watching water race down the glass. He is downstairs making us some hot cocoa. A thousand thoughts are going through my head. Worries over whether our plans lineup and what it would mean if they don't. We already promised each other that neither of us would sacrifice our future for the other, but what if one of us made the wrong decision? I am fiddling with the end of Brendon's sweater that I am wearing when he pops back inside.

He sees how nervous I am as he sits the mugs down. Brendon sits down on the bed and motions for me to come join him. I climb on and we settle in the middle. We scoot until we are face to face: my legs over his, my ankles crossed against his lower back. His knees bent to border either side of me. Brendon brings his hand up to my face and lets his thumb roam over my cheekbone. He's telling me it all going to be okay, and I know in my heart that he is right but it doesn't make this any less scary.

"We can do this, babe," he says gently.

I nod at him, take a deep breath and the say, "okay, let's do it."

His mouth pulls into a tender smile and he starts by saying, "you know that I'd follow you anywhere if you asked me to."

I touch his face with my fingertips, "but I never would," I admit.

His eyes twinkle, "I know, and that's why I am sure you love me."

With that, we start on the path of divulging our individual plans. The first thing we discuss is living arrangements. He is itching to live off campus, and he explains that the research he's done indicates he could find a place cheaper than on campus housing. I, on the other hand, want to be on campus. While I don't exactly like the idea of sharing a room with a stranger, I want to stay as ingrained into the school as possible. Which leads us to the next topic: working. Being solely dedicated to school is all that I have ever known, so for at least the first semester I want to take as many units as I can and devote myself to my schedule. He is content with taking the minimum units needed to remain full time and find a job to fill the rest of the space, much like he does now.

"I can do both," he tells me and for a moment I am very jealous of his own self assurance.

We then move onto majors. He says that he cannot decide quite yet between health science or communications. When I suggest that maybe he could do both he is shocked that it could even be an option. My mind is set on majoring in psychology, possibly with a focus on child development. He smiles a secret smile to himself and kisses my nose when I say it. From there we move onto what we want our relationship to look like.

I look down at his chin, "I would understand if you wanted to enter this new stage unattached."

He snort unattractively and ducks his head down to catch my eyes, "baby, there is no reality in which I want to be unattached from you."

"That's very naive," I say, "I'm sure there's some alternate universe where you don't think that I am your world."

He laughs and presses his forehead to mine, "maybe, but this universe ain't it."

"You say that, but what if we don't go to the same place."

"Then we make it work," he stops to think for a moment, "...or if you'd rather, I guess we could go back to being just friends."

"That isn't necessarily what I want, it's just that I don't want you to miss out on something that I can't give you if we are far apart."

"There isn't anything that anyone can give me, because they aren't you."

"I don't want to share you, not right now at least, but if we do end up long distance, Brendon, I need you to tell me if how you feel changes. I swear I will be okay and you'll always be one of my best friends, but you just have to let me know. And don't say you won't change your mind, okay, it's fine if you do; I just want to stay a part of the conversation.

"Okay, I promise. You'll be the first one I go to."

"Good," I brush my fingers through his hair and curve them around his ear. "So that leaves us with the final decision: where?"

He nods, "I think we should just count to three and then say it."

I agree with my own nod and then in unison we count up. One... two... three...

Our voices blend together as the words, "Santa Cruz," come out.

I takes me a moment to register it and then my heart starts pounding, "wait," my eyes grow wide, "we're doing this together?"

For a few seconds he can only nod soundlessly before his mouth breaks into a gigantic grin, "I think we are," he says, sounding surprised.

I fling my arms around him and I cannot help the couple of tears that leak down my face because I had been so scared that this wouldn't be the outcome. Without my mind running nervous circles I start to pay attention the cold temperature and the rain pitter-pattering outside. I make a remark that it is cold and he chuckles.

"Well, maybe if you didn't walk around with no pants on, you wouldn't be so chilly."

"I haven't shaved for a couple of weeks, so my fur should keep me warm," respond in earnest.

He laughs through his nose as he leans over to where he sat our hot chocolate. After he hands me mine, we sit in silence for a little while just sipping out of our mugs. It is nice to just sit together comfortably while we're in our own worlds. His mugs empties before mine does and he leans over again to put it back on his night stand. He returns to his previous position and busies his hands by gently stroking my legs while I continue drinking.

"I was scared that we wouldn't be on the same page," I confess.

He doesn't miss a beat in responding with, "I wasn't."

My brow furrows as I gaze at him over the rim of my mug, "what?" I further prompt him, "what do you mean?"

"Even if we didn't decide on the same place, I know that I love you and we will make whatever our situation is work. I have that faith in us."

As I stare at him in silence, I wonder how I keep finding myself falling more and more in love with him. "You're such a sap," I accuse him as I blush into my hot chocolate.

"That is very true, and I embrace it."

A bit after I finally finish my drink, Brendon suggests that we go for a car ride to which I agree to immediately. I cannot help but think that he always knows exactly what I want as I buckle my seatbelt. He drives with the music up and his hand tucked between my hands. For a while we make our way through and across town. Eventually, he makes his way up into the mountains overlooking our city before finding a spot to look out over the lights that are starting to blink on in town as evening approaches. We sightsee for a little while after he parks, and then I reach into my purse sitting on the floor by my feet.

"Let's be teenagers," I say to him.

He quirks an eyebrow up at me, "oh?"

Confusion leaves his face when I hold a condom up between my middle and forefinger, "backseat, Bren."

"My favorite place."

Itty bitty little part that i have been stressing over writing for like years now. I couldnt decide if they end up at the same place, but I guess all I had to do was be quiet and let them tell me what they wanted. Much love - Lyse xoxo