We Know Better

Finals

I do not see him for the rest of night and then the night is over. I cannot help but to search the crowd for him as I leave. The effort is fruitless in the end and I drive home feeling sick. For the rest of the week, the feeling persists. It is like a repeat of last finals week, but instead of seeing him on the regular like with my ex, I barely see him at all. He keeps his distance and so do I.

I wake up for my last final of the semester and quickly find myself jetting to my toilet so that I can puke into it. After flushing the toilet, I lay my head on my arm that is slung over the seat. I do my best to take deep breaths and steel myself to go to school for this final. Once I am showered, I let my mother know that I am ready to go since she will be dropping me off because I know I am too out of it to drive myself.

I kiss her cheek as I get out of the car and do my best to ignore the worried look on her face. With my head down, I trudge my way to my AP Bio final. The fact that we even have a final at all is ridiculous since there is the AP test, but I do not have it in me to be angry about it anymore. There are a few students scattered around campus: some of them waiting to go to their finals and others waiting around after taking them. My friends are all in finals and even though they have talked about doing something afterwards, I know I just will not be able to while I am in this state. I sit down at my desk and the test itself blurs by.

Two hours fly past quickly and when it is over I turn in my test, none too confident but all the more anxious. I would like to say that I am enlightened and have realized that grades are not everything and that they do not determine your worth, but that would be a total lie. Doing well in school has never really been something that I have want to do, but instead something I need to do. There is a headache flaring and pulsating through my brain as I make my way to the parking lot. I know that I need to text my mother to come get me, but I take a minute to cradle my head in my hands as I sit on the stairs in hopes that I will find some relief.

I hear a set of footsteps descending the stairs, but do not move to see who it is. There is no reason to look, that is, until they slow down. Just as they reach me, they stop and even then I am still hesitant to look up. I do not really want to deal with anyone right now, but it seems that God does not care about what I want when they lower down to my level. They are very quiet next to me and I take a moment to take a deep breathe before reluctantly looking up at my visitor. When my eyes meet Brendon's, I feel like the air has all run out of my chest.

"Are you okay?" His voice is hesitant.

I look at him and it takes me a moment to register what he is saying, then another one to respond, "oh, um, yeah, I'm sorry, I am just out of it."

His brow furrows, but he nods, "did you drive yourself here?"

I shake my head, "no, my mom dropped me off. I didn't think I should be driving."

"Do you need a ride?"

"I just need to call my mom," I tell him and then I pull my phone out.

I am unlocking my phone when his hand falls over mine. When I look up at him he asks, "do you wanna come over?" There is the hesitance again, as if he knows it is not his place to ask anymore, and maybe he is right. "Will you please come over?"

The logical answer is no. However, the reality is that I am not logical right now and I can rarely say no to him. The truth is that I miss him. Over the past few months, I have gotten so used to him and the constant comfort he provided to me. I know that it will not be the same and that things have changed between us, but all I want right now is to curl up on his bed and watch a show with him or listen to him play his guitar or even sit in god damn silence with him. I am such a fool for him.