It is Christmas Eve and the house is in an uproar. My father is ranting and raving because our extended family is coming tomorrow, money is being spent, and a thousand other reasons to be mad. I have been mentally checked out for a week, since Brendon's, and emotion is starting to become a foreign word. I do not feel anything.
In the group chat, my friends are talking about when we're going to exchange gifts, but I do not want to deal with any of that. I have everyone's gift and I contemplate just dropping their gifts off and then leaving, but I know deep down that I only feel like that because I am in this state.
I have Brendon's gift too, and I am in the same boat with him. I do not want to drag him down. Honesty, I decide, is the best policy. Telling him what's wrong is hard, because very rarely do I try to explain how my brain and moods and emotions work. Partially, because I do not even know myself, but it also makes absolutely no sense.
His response: let's get food and go to the beach. It seems like a better alternative to sitting in my house alone like a zombie while tension rapidly builds around and in me. The issue is addressing my parents about leaving. Obviously, I will not be telling them the truth. Part of me, is disappointed in myself for lying so often about Brendon. Especially to my mother, someone I tell everything to, but it is a necessary evil for now. Until I know how to explain Brendon and me, she will just have to stay in the dark.
Apprehensively, I agree. Before I leave, I grab the Christmas gift my sister helped me get for Brendon. I do my best to be as brief about my leaving before bolting out of the house as fast as I can. I drive to Brendon's and let my windows down to feel the warm air on my skin. One thing about Southern California is that you can almost always count on warm weather. Even in the heart of winter, you can find sunny days like this one. Most times, I resent the heat, revelling in the cold, but today it does not bother me.
Brendon is already outside when I pull up to his house. Looking like a movie star with the sun gleaming on his face, he is leaning against the back of his car. I get out of the car and make my way over to him. The moment I am within arms length, he wraps his around my shoulders. Nothing much comes out of my mouth as we climb into his car and start on our way. He understands and he lets me sit in silence. As we hit the freeway, he asks me if he can hold my hand, so I offer it up to him. The stroke of his thumb over my knuckles is reassuring that I am not pushing him away.
The drive to the restaurant is about an hour long and it is filled with his voice intermittently and his radio. At a few points, I do my best at responses even if they are not the most involved. He does not take it personally. At the restaurant, he raves about how great the burritos are and how much I will love them. When I ask him to just order for me, he does and lets me go find a seat. I am starting to feel a little bit better. Everything still feeling muted, but at least it is a hazy numbness instead of the dark numbness that has been plaguing me all week.
When he sits down in front of me, he warns that the burrito is huge. When the food is placed on the table in front of us, I remark that he was not lying. On a good day, I would have no problem putting it away, but today is not a good day. There is a latent nausea that has been rolling through me the last few days, so I just know I will not be able to finish it. He tells me it is no problem if I do not finish it this time, we will just have to make another trip one day when I am feeling better and up to the challenge. I agree and try not to beat myself up when I get barely halfway through.
We are in the car for another twenty five minutes before we get to the beach. Finding a park takes another five, it would have been ten, but we started this trip late and we only have maybe forty five minutes of sun left so there aren't a bunch of people. Even though the weather forgot that we are in the middle of winter, the sun and moon does not.
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We Know Better
Teen Fiction~Laina~ She is a teenage girl trying to find her place in the world, just like everyone else. It is senior year and to be honest she never thought she would even make it to this point. Her long-time best friend seems to be leaving her behind a...
