Blue Moon (Phil Lester x Reader)

10. For the best

It was cold that day. The sky was blue and the sun was shining, but it was cold.
He held your hand, kept it warm. You had shoved your other hand in your pocket, trying to shield it from the biting cold, but it was nothing compared to the warmth of Phil's hand. You should've put your gloves on.
You walked next to him, arms and shoulders constantly touching. It was nice and quiet in the park. Not much people were outside, because it was cold. You liked the quiet.

The 'normal' couple. Young and in love. The one you'd see in movies.
That was how you felt with Phil. Walking in a park on a Sunday morning, two weeks after you'd started dating. Holding hands, smiling, letting the whole world know how happy you were with eachother. How special you felt.

Though the only special thing about it was that you'd been lying to him the entire time.
No, it wasn't lying, it was not entirely telling the truth. Keeping information from him. That wasn't what the 'normal' girlfriend was supposed to do, you knew that. But you considered yourself the 'special' girlfriend. The lying girlfriend, the one that broke her boyfriend's heart.

That was exactly what you were. Great.

Phil was talking about the YouTube party he and Dan had gone to the night before. You hadn't gone with them, because you hated parties.
Phil had had fun, judging by the tone he spoke in. He sounded excited, talking about all his Youtuber friends whose names you couldn't remember.

You weren't really listening, no.

Phil continued talking as you gazed at the sky while walking. A single bird flew from one tree to another, chirping happily. Ofcourse you couldn't know if the small animal was actually happy, or if it even had feelings like that, but it sounded happy.
You looked down again, focusing on your footsteps, not even trying to listen to Phil anymore. Your own thoughts were enough to deal with.

'What's on your mind (Y/N)?' Phil suddenly asked. He had stopped walking, and he pulled you to a stop by your hand.
' I'm sorry, what?' You blinked a few times as you turned around to face Phil, having the sun shining right into your eyes.
'What are you thinking about? You weren't listening to me, that's for sure' he said with a grin.
' I'm sorry I was...nothing really. I was just...thinking...yeah.' You mumbled the last part.
Phil walked up to you. He hadn't let go of your hand, and now he brought it up to his face and placed a small kiss your knuckles.
'Something's bothering you' he whispered in such a sweet and caring and slightly worried tone it made you want to scream. He was too precious, you didn't deserve him.

You looked down, not wanting to look him in the eyes.
'It's nothing, really.'

Now would be the time to tell him.

Or not. I don't want to ruin this...

You would just leave and you  wouldn't have to face him after that. That was a lot easier than telling him now.

I'm so selfish. For me it's easier, but I'll still break his heart, whatever I do.

'(Y/N)?'
In your mind you could see his beautiful blue orbs filled with worry and love staring down at you. You couldn't bring yourself to speak.

And what if I stay? If I cancel all my plans, find a new job, stay with Phil?

You knew you couldn't do that. You had decided to leave this life behind. He'd ruined it, for both you and himself.

'(Y/N) please talk to me.' Worry was dripping from the words he spoke. You wanted to tell him everything, but you couldn't. You wanted to keep Phil for as long as it lasted.

You thought back at the past two weeks. Phil had come to the bookstore almost every day. He wouldn't stay for too long, because then Jason would get angry at you, but he'd bring coffee and stay for a bit just to chat. It was nice. And you'd gone to his and Dan's place for dinner a few times now. Phil tried his best at cooking, but after he'd nearly burned the house down pizza had become the standard food. Pizza and movies.
Dan took the third-wheeling pretty well. You and him got along a lot better now.
You felt at home with both of them, you felt loved again.

And I'm gonna throw it all away...

But you knew you couldn't stay. You were afraid of what would happen if you did. What if Phil dumped you after a few weeks? You would have cancelled your plans for nothing. You were afraid that he'd leave you just like everyone else in your life had done.
It would be easier if you left.

Phil didn't wait any longer for you to answer, but pulled you into a big, warm, loving hug. You felt yourself tear up again, but managed to fight back the tears.

There were three more weeks to go, and you'd make the best of it. You'd do all the things a normal couple would do. Maybe you'd even go to a party with Phil, just for him.

You'd make it the best weeks in your life.

You and the man you loved, standing in a park on a cold Sunday morning, hugging. There were no words, no talking. Just a hug.

~~~

You take a deep breath and lean back in your plane seat. One last glance out of the window, one more look at the city you have lived in for as long as you can remember.
This time you don't hold back your tears. You are leaving for good.

It's for the best.

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Ooooohhhh foreshadowing :o

So yeah. I hope you can keep up with what's happening and that it's all clear. And ofcourse I just hope you like the story :)

(I may or may not have been listening to It's Quiet Uptown from Hamilton while writing this. Can you tell?)

Love,
Emmy ❤