Blue Moon (Phil Lester x Reader)

12. Goodbye

You got out of the taxi, letter in your hand. The taxi would wait for you while you'd go to their front door, wait for him to open it, not go inside but only give him the letter and leave. Tell him that this was goodbye.

Your hands were shaking, breathing unsteady. It was raining, just like the day you'd met him. Raindrops mixed with the tears streaming down your face.
Your footsteps sounded hollow on the pavement. The whole world seemed to have lost it's colour. It was as if someone had thrown a black-and-white filter over it.

It was 9 AM. You knew Phil would be awake. The night before you had texted him saying that you would come around early.

You brought one shaking hand up to the doorbell, pushed the button.

This was it.

Time seemed to slow down. After a few minutes that felt like hours Phil opened the door.

He looked beautiful as always, buy mostly his eyes. Everything was black and white except for his blue eyes. You couldn't help but stare.

Look into his eyes and the sky's the limit...

He smiled, wanted to pull you into a hug. You stopped him, softly pushed him back, took a few shaky breaths. He noticed you were crying.

'(Y/N), what's wrong?'

You didn't answer, just kept looking into his eyes. Tried to tell him with your eyes, but it didn't work. He didn't get it.

You couldn't find your voice. You handed him the letter, he took it, looked at you in confusion.
'What's going on?' he asked.
You shook your head, still not able to speak.
You had to go, this was taking too long. But it was way harder than expected.

He flipped the envelope with the letter in it in his hands, examined it, tried to find some kind of clue but couldn't find one, and looked back at you. He looked confused, worried, a bit sad? Could he feel what was coming?

You forced yourself to speak. Words, sentences. You had to tell him. But you couldn't find the right words.

You saw the pain in his eyes, felt it in your heart. You were highly aware of what you were doing, that you were hurting him.

And then you started talking, your voice breaking. You tried to say what you had planned to say, but it didn't come out as you wanted.

' Phil...I-I'm leaving...I'm g-going to America.'
His eyes widened. Shock, pain. You continued.
' When?' he whispered.
'T-today.'
Silence.
'I'm s-so s-s-sorry that I....I didn't tell you. I'm sorry.'

You couldn't say more, your heart taking over.
You pulled him closer, made him step outside into the rain. You saw tears forming in his eyes. You didn't want him to cry because of you. You weren't worth crying over.

You put your lips on his, kissed him. He hesitated, but kissed back.
You poured all the love you had in you into the kiss, tried to let him know that you loved him.

Then you pulled back.
You had to go.

' I'm sorry Phil....but this is goodbye.' Your voice was now strangely calm and you had stopped crying. You had to be strong now.
Phil didn't respond, just stared at you with the most hurt expression you had ever seen.

'I love you, (Y/N).'

He wasn't angry, he didn't try to stop you. He only told you that he loved you.

Again, you couldn't say it back. You had the chance but didn't take it.

'Goodbye, Phil.'

You took a few steps backwards, kept your eyes on him. He took one small step forward, reached for you with one hand, then let it fall back to his side. He knew he couldn't stop you.

You blew him a kiss, just like you two had always done when you said goodbye.

But this was goodbye forever.

You turned around, started walking back to the taxi that was  waiting for you, left Phil standing outside in the rain.
If he had done that to you, two months earlier. If he had left you standing in the rain on that night you bumped into him, that night you met, things would've been so much easier.

You didn't look back. Didn't see how Phil watched how you got into the taxi and drove off. Didn't see how he broke down in tears while watching you go. Didn't see how after a few minutes Dan came downstairs in his pyjama, wondering what was going on, why Phil had left the door of their apartment open. Didn't see how Dan hugged Phil and softly pushed him back inside, out of the rain.

You didn't see how you shattered Phil's heart.
And you didn't want to see it.

The drive to the airport was short. You cried. All you could see in your mind was his face, the hurt expression on his face when you left.
But he didn't look only hurt. It was a mix of pain, confusion, sadness, and love.
And together with his, your heart shattered into a million pieces.
Only because you were too scared to stay. Too scared to give in to love.

~~~

You are now on the plane to America, on your way to a new life. With pain in your heart you have blocked both Dan and Phil's number, unfollowed them on every social media.
It's over. Your old life is over. The end of a chapter in your life.
And the start of a new one is around the corner, only a couple of hours away.

Goodbye Phil.

Till we meet again.

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This isn't the end guys ;)

Almost.