Blue Moon (Phil Lester x Reader)

5. If only he could see

I'm back! It took a while, but here's a chapter that I'm actually quite proud of. Hope you like it❤

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Two days passed, and it seemed like everything had gone back to normal. But that Thursday, just when you thought you were never gonna get a text from Phil, and you'd never ever have the courage to send him one, you saw him again. And not just in the street - no - that afternoon he walked into the bookstore, as if it was the most normal thing to do.
Your head shot up as he did, and you were greeted by his beautiful blue eyes. You both stood and stared for a solid minute.

How did he get here? You had no clue, but he was there. You felt all possible emotions at once it seemed. On one hand you were happy to see him - happier than you should've been. On the other hand you wanted him to leave. He had brought all the painful memories back. He had been nice to you while no one else ever did.
Why was he here?
What was he thinking?

And he looked so perfect, with his galaxy coat and black skinny jeans and white shoes. The way his eyes were sparkling, that adorable little smile of his and his hair that looked so soft that you wanted a plushie made out of it.
But you told yourself you couldn't think that. You couldn't.

'What are you doing here?' you both asked at the exact same time, with an awkward silence following.
'I work here' you mumbled.
Silence.
Phil nodded. You didn't know what he meant by that.
'I..I uhm...I live around here' he spoke as he scratched the back of his neck.

So? That's not an excuse to come walking in here. Why was he here?
You still wanted him to leave.
Why did he always have to ruin everything?
You'd accepted that the world was full of hatred and that you'd have to deal with that, then he came along being all nice and funny.
You'd accepted that you wouldn't hear from him again, that he wouldn't want to be friends with you and you didn't want to be friends with him because that was not your thing, and then he came back again.
People would say it was fate that kept bringing you together, but you didn't believe that.
Dan had probably put his new shoes on the table and now Phil had the bad luck of constantly meeting you. Not that you did believe in bad luck, but that was the only more reasonable explanation you could come up with.
This wasn't fate, this was messing you up.

'Why are you here?'
It was weird hearing your own voice cut through the silence. You didn't sound the way you wanted. It was supposed to be a question but it came out angrily, almost as if you were blaming him for something.
And you were. He had brought back the memories of your family. He hadn't played along in the game of life. This wasn't supposed to happen.

Or was it?

Phil noticed the tone of your voice and you saw the hesitation in his eyes. He was questioning if he'd done something wrong and if so, what? But he didn't know, and he couldn't know. You couldn't blame him for something he didn't even know he'd done, but you did.

'I...uhm...I live not so far away from here and I had a small fight with Dan - about nothing really. So I was just wandering around the city for a bit and-...' He cut himself off by raking a deep breath, looking down at his hands.
It was a good explanation. He'd needed some time alone and had gone for a walk, that's what people do. But it scared you that he lived nearby and that he now knew that you worked here.

'Is there something wrong?' Phil spoke again, looking back into your eyes. His were filled with uncertainty and worry, yours were cold and almost emotionless as always - you had learned to hide your feelings in every possible way.
But when his piercing blue eyes searched yours for only the slightest hint of emotion, it was hard keeping your guard up. You gave up and looked away. You instantly hated yourself for doing that, because looking away was basically saying yes,  admitting that something was wrong. You'd always been so good at lying and hiding your feelings, why couldn't you now?

Phil slowly took a few steps closer to you, and now you were only a few feet apart. Worry still filled his eyes as  he looked at you.
You wanted to shout at him, tell him to leave, that you wanted nothing to do with him and that he should carry on with his life, tell him to go back to Dan and talk out the fight they had for whatever reason - but you couldn't.

'(Y/N)...'
Don't.  Don't talk to me.
'...you can tell me if something is wrong, okay? I know we've only met a week ago and I can see you don't like being around people...'
Is it that obvious? Good.
'...but please talk to me if you need to.'

His whole expression was so sweet, so pure, so genuine, and you just wanted to hug him and tell him everything.

I can't do that.

Why was he like this? Why was he so nice to you? You didn't deserve it.

' You don't understand.' you mumbled. He didn't.  He didn't and he never would, even if you told him.
'It's hard understanding when you don't tell me.' he spoke softly, as if he wanted to gain your trust and was careful not to break you.
But he had already broken you. He had broken you and your whole world. Nothing was the same anymore.
'I can't' you whispered so quietly that you weren't sure if he'd even heard you.
You couldn't look him in the eyes anymore. He was tearing down the wall you'd built around yourself. How? You had no clue, but he did it and it made you feel every possible emotion at once.

That night you received a text message from him. He asked you to come over to his and Dan's place the next day after work.

And no matter how hard your mind screamed no, your heart said yes.

If only he knew what he was doing to you, how it was tearing you apart.
And if only you could see back then how stupid you were for giving in, for feeling the things you felt.

But you both didn't.

Because love is blind.