Lovenapped

Hate? Love?

Leyla

I wake up feeling disorientated. Where am I? This isn't my room. I don't have grey coloured walls or a carpeted floor. I definitely don't have a king-sized bed with a TV opposite. What is wrong with me? That's when everything just comes tumbling down and I remember everything. Raj had kidnapped me, tortured me, saved me, taunted me... Kissed me. The kiss still lingers on my lips. I don't really know how it happened. Had I invited him to kiss me? Well I had told him I'd do anything for freedom, a thing I'm not sure I want anymore. I have no use for freedom. Like Raj so kindly pointed out last night I have nobody. My parents don't give a crap about me. Me, their only child, has been missing for over a month and yet there is no plea for my return or any information on my whereabouts. My friends are useless too. I always sensed I wasn't liked but I still thought they'd have some form of concern over my sudden disappearance from university. And for the university to just accept the fact I had dropped out. Surely they'd have to inform my parents, but then again I am a legal adult. Still I was on track for a first, I was due to do work experience soon, I had planned my whole dissertation out, I was so excited to graduate and make my family proud so why would I ever want to give that up? Raj must have thought of everything when he decided to take me hostage. He knew freedom was useless to me. But that kiss. It was so... different. When he tortured me he has been so aggressive and assertive. He had been savage towards me, partially skinning my finger before rubbing salt onto my raw flesh. He hadn't cared when he slit my wrists and left me to die. But then something had changed and he suddenly rushed to save me, then ignored me??? It's like each time he does something horrible he has to do something nice to counterbalance his actions. The look, though. The look when he was cleaning the blood off my broken body was just so loving and caring. He apologised, he cared, he loved. I felt all those in his kiss. It was tender like he was afraid to hurt me anymore than he already had and I reciprocated. I sort of enjoyed the feel of his lips pressed against mine and I was lost in his whole aura. It's like he transported me away from my shitty worthless life and into a world where I actually mattered. I can't work out whether he wanted more from me or whether he just enjoyed my touch. The way he called after me when I ran. I feel like such an idiot. Why did I run? I have no idea, I liked the kiss, I liked his touch, I liked his tenderness. It's just when he tried to push his tongue against my lips and assert his dominance everything changed. I remembered how cruel he was and the tenderness from his lips was so small compared to all the shit he's done to me. I just saw red mist and had to get away. Then I saw his face, those eyes which cry out for someone to just save him as he slowly drowns in a pit of remorse for any actions he has taken. I don't want to save him though... Do I? NO! I hate Raj. If he hadn't have kidnapped me then I would still be with loving parents, with friends, finishing my degree. I would be happy and not living in this turmoil I feel right now. I have no clue what my future holds. Will Raj get bored of me when he realises I can't satisfy his needs? Will he ruthlessly shoot me like he shot Rakesh? Will my blood be splattered over another innocent girl whose identity was mistaken? It's like Raj is playing a game with me, one minute he is callous and unfeeling, the next he is apologetic and kind. He tugs in one direction then yanks me in another, my body hurting from this split in his personality. Raj doesn't deserve to be saved, not by me, not by Anderson, not by anyone. Even though his kiss and touch still resonates on my body in a warm and comforting way I don't want it too. I hate Raj. I loathe him.

Raj

"Who are you thinking about?" Anderson's voice snaps me out of my daydream. I turn, almost falling off my stool but managing to steady myself on the work surface. I feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment at being caught zoned out. I'm usually the one who is always ready for action, alert, sharp; not zoned out in a totally different universe.

"Nobody," I lie quickly stumbling off the stool across the kitchen towards the sliding doors. I need to cover this burning sensation in my cheeks before someone sees. I can't believe Anderson caught me daydreaming about Leyla. God she is like poison. I thought I could handle her, keeping my distance not really getting involved in anything with her unless it was something of importance like blocking her chance of getting freedom. I enjoyed the hatred the distance made me feel for her like whenever I saw her it just made it stronger... She's still a Capri. Then last night she had seemed so vulnerable. She couldn't explain why she wanted freedom but I know it was to do with some sense of needing to be strong on something, to have something to fight for, to have a purpose to staying alive. She is just enchanting though, the way she told me she'd do anything to gain her freedom back. I was going to reject her. Usually I would have jumped at the chance of some quick meaningless sex to get rid of my 'manly' urges and then that would have broken the girl even further and she would eventually realise there is no way out and would be submissive, usually going to work as a prostitute or informant using her body as her weapon. Leyla... Leyla is still pure, still innocent, still a virgin. I couldn't break her. She should do it with someone she loves, not be forced to use her body as a weapon against her captor to gain her freedom back. Doesn't she realise it would have just caged her here. There is no going back from giving away your virginity for meaningless, pitiful sex. But her lips just looked so enticing and the next thing I knew I was ignoring her mumbles and placing my lips against hers. That's it now. I've tasted the poison and it's pulsing through my veins at such a rate any feelings I had for her are now multiplying too rapidly for me to comprehend. I want her to be mine. I want to be the one she gives her virginity too because she loves me. I...