Lovenapped

Disgusting?

Leyla

"So you guys are okay now?" Jas asks slumping onto the bed in Raj's room at his parents mansion. I smile at her as I fold my pyjamas and place them on the pillow. After we 'made out' and he slept next to me with his arm around me things have been slowly going back to normal. He wanted me to be open with him about everything so we talked. I told him I was feeling sidelined for his sister and Raj said he completely understood. It wasn't one of those fake understandings though, I could tell he was genuine about realising he was spending more time with Jas than me.

I'm not the overprotective, clingy girlfriend type I just wanted to hang out with Raj more than him just slipping home when I'm asleep and waking to find him next to me. I know that he is building up a relationship with his sister after all these years but he forgot that he actually had to maintain current relationships too. Raj said he was willing to make more effort and then he told me that he had never had a girlfriend before which took me by surprise. I had laughed at first thinking it was all just a joke but then Raj had blushed so hard that his whole face looked like a tomato. He is new in the dating department which made me smile so much. Just knowing that Raj must really really really like me... It made me feel special.

So we have been spending more time together. He balances his 'work', his sister and me perfectly. We still haven't made any commitments yet. I still hate my body but when Raj holds me or kisses me I forget that Brody ever happened. Raj isn't pushy though, he's not pressurising me into doing anything I'm not comfortable with and I like that. He knows I'm still fragile. He found me in the shower a couple of weeks ago curled up on the floor in my underwear my skin raw and in some places bloody. He hadn't questioned me, he just scooped me into his arms and sat with me in the shower in his clothes. Then when my tears had subsided he dried me and gave me my pyjamas to change into. That night he just sat with me, there was talk sure but not of the incident. He didn't want to push me and that was fine with me, in fact it was so fine that I lay awake with his arm across my stomach and his breath tickling my neck until I just blurted it out. I still hate myself and I still feel dirty. Raj didn't try to change my mind, he didn't pander to my ego, he just sat up and smiled sadly before his fingers caressed my cheek and brushed my tears away. I liked it. I like where we are currently at; three months after my threat of leaving and I'm so happy Raj made me change my mind.

"Yeah, we are better than okay," I say my smile broadening at the thought of Raj holding my hand. It's just the little things that make me smile. The compliments, the kisses, the hand holding, the special little treats he gives me... It's not about the other side of our relationship because it has been well over five months since we did anything sexual together. I'm still paranoid that Raj will take one look at my body and be repulsed. I know it's stupid I mean he said he'd kiss every inch of me if I let him and yet here I am like an idiot still believing he hates my body.

"I'm glad, you guys are made for each other," Jas winks pushing herself off the bed and walking over to a set of drawers in Raj's room. She pulls open the top drawer, my drawer, before rummaging in it. I don't mind, that drawer just has some tops in it and I let Jas borrow them sometimes because they look so much better on her than me. Being with Raj's family is like being with my own. They accepted me wholeheartedly and I think of Jas as my big sister and I think of Mr and Mrs Chopra as my parents. It's funny really how natural the transition was from calling them Mr and Mrs to just being comfortable enough to call them mum and dad.

"They must be better by the looks of these," Jas giggles making me turn to face her. I let the sheet I was pulling up the bed slip through my fingers when I see what she is holding up. I gulp and feel my face colouring. I had totally forgotten about those.

"Nahin they are very old," I murmur smiling awkwardly as Jas let's her eyebrows furrow in confusion. I had purchased them after we had 'made love' the second time and hid them here so Raj couldn't find them. I wanted our next time to be special but then Brody happened.