Panic Attack (Jc Caylen)

11. I Never Got To Say Goodbye

JC'S P.O.V.

Everyone in this house is gone. My chance has come to leave my love and past here. It's all for the best my mind tells me. I just don't know if I can believe myself. Sometimes I think I am going insane and there is absolutely I can do to change it. Each day I find myself going a little crazier being around Emily and not being able to call her mine. My mind thinks if I leave my vision won't be so clouded, that I could breathe in the air around me, to take a moment and see what really is around me. I feel like It never will work but I have to try. I want to give Emily what she has always deserved her whole life but never recieved. I want her to have anyone but me. It's hard to admitt to myself but I love her to much to hurt her that much more. She deserves the best for her. I am just not the one. I don't care if there is no one out there left for me. As long as she can be happy. My mom always told me love will find it's way but I am starting to loose hope. She said things can only go down hill. Whoever made up that quote about life being a rollercoaster really meant it. Now that I am on it I want to get off. The thrill of the ride is too overwhelming, overpowering. It's causing everything to go by in a blur. Everything except Emily.

I didn't want to think about this any longer. Odds are if I did, I would turn around the moment I walk out that door. I need to stop overthinking everything. I can't help but believe that is one of the reasons Emily said no. If I take a step away from all this maybe I can stop, maybe I can change. Without another word from my subconscious I picked up m bags one by one taking them to my car. I some times wonder if they will forget me. If I leave will they pretend nothing happened? I need to stop this. I am doing it again.

It felt like just seconds ago Emily and I were friends. Smiling, laughing, enjoying every moment. Now I am miserable without her. I wonder about her. Has she been thinking about me? Does she feel the pain I am going through? I doubt see has ever given me a second thought but I always wonder about what really goes on inside her brain. I feel sometimes she is hiding something. It's so deep not even her brother can reach. In the depths of her thoughts is everything I have wanted to know about her. Those dark thoughts, what haunts her. I want to know it all. I want to help her. Even though the thought is never going to come to life my suspicions will get the best of me. I will uncover the mysteries of her, even if I have to tear layer after layer of protection from her every thought, ripping them to shreds.

Closing the door to my car I put start the ignition. I can't stay here any longer than I have. It's tearing me apart, eating me alive. It's all to much to handle. How do I even explain this to my mom. I promised her I would tell. I will just tell her everything on my mind when I get home. The thought of Emily is pulling at the seems of my heart. What is left of it anyway.

EMILY'S P.O.V.

I walk through the door of our home, revealing to company of no one. Ashley and I had just went out for a shopping trip. Tonight was a big night for her. Connor was taking her out on a date. He said he wouldn't tell her where they were going, only to dress casual. Boys always have to be secretive about this stuff. I never really understood why though. I mean what is so bad about a girl knowing about the plans for the date they are attending.

"I am going to go take a shower quickly." Ashley said as if Connor was coming back here. He told her he would come back to the house to pick her up at six. It's only two.

"Remember to shave. Your going to look hot in that floral high low skirt." I winked at her. A bright smile appearing on her face, causing one dimple to cave into her cheek.

It's weird now that I think of it. I could of swore everyone said Jc was staying home today yet he is gone. I would check up on him but we aren't exactly on good terms. I wish I could just tell him the truth but it is for his own well being. He doesn't deserve to suffer the way I am. I don't want him to know I can't sleep at night because of everything in my past,. That I can't think straight without something reminding me of my dad. That I cant do anything normally because of my disorders. I am not worth it. I just need to prove it to him. It's ironic really. He wants to prove to me he is worth the shot but I am doing anything but. It isn't helping my well being. He deserves a girl that he doesn't have to worry about when he takes her out, when people are around. He needs someone who can cope with his lifestyle. I am not the right girl. I can't do any of that. I haven't even been able to cope with Kian's lifestyle. I have lived with him my whole life. I always want to be able to but how can I? I don't even now how to fix myself. It's all too much.