My Poetry Book: Finding Who I Am

Numb

Why oh why do I always feel numb

My hands my feet

Each one of my limbs

I try and try to bring feeling back

But all I get is the afterthought

I never feel any joy

Any happiness

Any wonder

I wish I could feel

Even if all I get is pain

I need to feel

Everyone needs to feel to be human

But I don't feel human right now

No.

I feel nothing

Nothing at all

None of the curses directed at me

None of the pain or heartache

That comes when those close to you

Only want to see a failure from you

And you fail at being a failure

But you don't feel anything

No matter how hard you try

The pain never gets to you

None of the genuine laughs around you

None of the pure joy from those who love you

None of it gets to you

Nobody see's the void inside of you

And nobody cares that no matter how hard you try

You can't fill that void

The empty laughs that come from your lips

Nobody notices

The hollow smile that you use so often it's become normal

Nobody notices

Laughs should come from your stomach and rise through your throat

And roll off your tongue

But all you get

Is nausea from your empty belly

Hungering for some sort of emotion

So it can stomach

The food you force down it

Why oh why do I live like this

I have a family and friends that care about me

But to me

It doesn't get to me

No nothing...

Still nothing...

No pain nor heartache

No joy or happiness

Just numb

Just plain old numb

Even the fear of not feeling

It isn't there

Nothing is

Just numb

Just void

It's just me...

And the me that's now isn't me

Me is the one who laughs from her belly

The one who loves food but is really picky

The one who is happy when she makes others happy

The one who is sad with her loved ones

But no...

Not now

Right now there's nothing

Nothing at all

My identity

It's gone

What does that leave me with

I may have many people around me who care

But what if all that caring goes into my void

How am I supposed to be there for others

When I'm not here

I'm gone

I'm lost

I'm numb

I have no fear

But that doesn't make me brave

How am I brave when there's nothing to overcome

Or to amount to

I'm not afraid of leaving

Or leaving behind those who are still here

I have no heart

I didn't think it possible to live without a heart

For me it apparently is

I don't care about anything

And I should be afraid of that

But I'm not

I'm not afraid of anything

Not even death

The only thing that's scary

Maybe is...

Living

Living as a shell

A shell that used to be me

But is now centered with a void

That's me right now

Numb.

I'm not angry at the world that rejected me

I'm not mad with hatred at those who

Pushed me into a corner of self doubt and loneliness

I wish I was full of anger

It would push me

Even if that push was based on anger

It would give me a reason

A reason to stay

To stay and show them that I'm more than what they make me

It would push me to be stronger for the sake of revenge

But no

I don't feel angry

I didn't go mad with hatred

My blood doesn't boil from the sight of them

It doesn't run cold from the mention of them

If anything

I'm even more numb

If that's even possible

Possible to become more empty

To become more void

And even though they never stop the torment

The verbal beatings they put me through

The physical strain of me being in their presence

Even though this should anger me

It doesn't

And no matter how hard I try

No emotion

Not even the strongest hatred

Could ever get to me

For I am numb

And that's all.