You woke up laying with your head resting on Ethan's chest. You look down at yourself and quickly throw on your pink thrasher hoodie over your black satin underwear and grabbed from Ethan's draw a pair of his Nike socks which came up to your mid shin. You stand up and look back down towards him, tucking the rest of the sheets in, to keep him warm. You couldn't help but feel a certain way... like guilt, or was it guilt? Like a pit in your stomach, like something nagging at the back of your mind.
You brushed it off and continued to walk towards the kitchen and began to make yourself a coffee, as you stood by the sink, you glared out over your complex until you fall into a deep disconnected day dream.
You felt weird this morning, negative. Your mind set was everywhere, everything just seemed to feel so wrong. You look back towards Ethan laying asleep on his bed whilst you grasp your coffee between both hands. After staring and loosing yourself in the features of his body and the curves of his abs, you came to a realisation of what you were feeling. Curiousness. You couldn't help but think, how many bodies have slept in my place, it wasn't his first time, it wasn't hard to tell he was experienced. You couldn't stop yourself, your thoughts began to dig deeper and deeper.
How many times has he wasted himself on people, who weren't you?
You sat down on Ethan's kitchen counter still clenching your coffee between the palms of your hands, you continue to stare towards Ethan, with the steam from your drink intruding your vision. You felts empty inside, you felt alone again. You were a sensitive girl, you've been through enough.
In your haze of concentration you begin to walk back towards the bedroom. You stare at his peaceful body laying across the bed, you run your finger through the curves of his abs still in your intense day dream. You snap back into reality abruptly, moving you vision away from his abs and to his face. As you blink you feel a drop of water roll down your cheek.
You felt yourself welling up inside, you quickly stand up, lifting your hand from his chest as you pace towards the door, you look once more back over to Ethan before grabbing your black rucksack and heels. You leave your half drank coffee on the corner as you begin to rub your sore eyes. You felt your heart begin to beat faster, you couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. You never felt this way before, you never thought you'd feel this way before. It was like anxiety, but more.
You rush through your apartment door and drop everything onto the floor. You begin to feel the tears run down your face. You know all people do if fuck with your mental health, that's why you've tried to be alone for so long.
"Why do I bother" you say throwing your shoes against the wall.
You snap from sadness to anger. Why are you like this? You think to yourself as you try to dry your eyes. Why do you over think? why are you so angry? why are you so emotional? You drop to the floor, your mind was so full of questions, some of which you couldn't answer.
It's like you're trapped. one minute you're laying next to someone who you genuinely cherish, the next you're questioning your self worth.
Your thoughts are interrupted by your phone.
iMessage 9.34am
E- hey babe, you ok? Where have you gone?x
You lock your phone and drop it onto the couch.
"I just need space" you say stumbling towards your bedroom, short of breath with tears running down your face.
You felt your only relief was sleep, when you're sleeping, you're not sad, you're not angry, you're not lonely, you're nothing. Pure nothing. And right now, that's all you needed. Nothing.
