*Play My Boy by Billie Eilish*
It's been 4 days since the incident in Ethan's apartment, you haven't returned since. You've been ignoring the majority of Ethan's messages and calls. Instead, you've sat silently in your apartment, trying to piece everything together.
You have a cigarette in your hand, and an ashtray in the other as you sit crossed-legged facing towards the window.
Your brain feels swollen, and your emotions racing. You weren't supposed to feel like this anymore, everything was supposed to be fine.
You squint towards the sun's rays as you hope to gain some clarity. But you feel nothing.
After cluelessly waiting you decided to walk back to Ethan's apartment and face the mess made whilst you were last there. You walk across and out of the complex wearing a mascara-stained hoodie and matching joggers.
***
You finally reach his apartment door,
you slowly breathe in,
holding your breath for a count of 7 before slowly releasing it once more,
You take your jittery hands and slide the key into the lock, turning it gently in a clockwise motion.
As you turn the keys to the right, it jolts in position. Your breathing cuts out as you stare at the key in confusion before pulling it out again.
"No" You say quietly as you press down on the Handle.
Why is it unlocked again? You think about Brooke before you slowly push open the door.
You remain frozen in the door frame whilst you peer into his apartment.
"Huh" You say looking at the notebook, laid open on the kitchen counter.
You pace towards the kitchen unit.
The closer you walk, and the harder you look, the more you begin to manipulate a red scratched marking, which was smothering the pages.
You continue to pace towards the book, the words becoming more apparent with each step.
You stare at the book for a couple of seconds in silence whilst your eyes begin to focus.
You trace your finger across the red written trail and repeat the words...
"Bullshit" repeated over every diary entry.
You continue to turn page after page
after page
after page
after page
Before you throw the graffitied book across the kitchen, in a disheartened rage.
You place both hands on the kitchen counter as you drop your head towards your collarbone. Your eyes tearing up as you feel yourself drifting back into your mind.
"I don't understand" you huff, in an outward exhale, with cold tears running down your cheeks.
After panting out all panic, emotion and anxiety... your bloodshot, purple-rimmed eyes fix focus on the battered notebook, which lay half fallen in the damp sink.
"What did you tell her Ethan?" You begin to whisper as you take steps towards the book. "What does she know?" you continue, taking steps closer to the sink.
Your pace begins to build as you stride towards the sink, arms at snatching distance ready to grasp the book.
You fling open to the first page, eyes burning and heavy. Your breathing picks up as you begin to read out his diary entry.
"I didn't expect to feel this so soon. I'm soft for the girl, and that's the problem. And there's got to be a reason. Why this is all happening? My brain is a mess, my feelings are a mess. I don't know what to feel!."
You flick the page frantically, your tears smudging the writing on the page, before reading a second diary entry.
"I am proud of her. I am proud of her for trying, even through the worst. It takes a lot to be the kind of person she is, she challenged the change. She's making a change. She's facing the things she needs to face, and she's making herself a better person out of it. She's inspiring, it's addictive."
Your breathing picks up as you start choking on your words, whilst panting out your breaths.
"Why is everything so painful?" you say clenching your chest, gasping for air between your cries.
"I don't want it to be this way" you cry even louder.
As you continue to turn the pages, your vision begins to become filled with the red graffiti writing over each diary entry once more.
it continues until... You reach the last third of the book, but the markings have decreased.
"Why hasn't this been touched" you question before reading the entry.
You read the date of the entry. March 20th.
"Two weeks ago" you read out loud, with a confused tone.
I feel stupid.
I regret a lot of things, and letting you in was one of them. You left me completely broken. I feel like I've lost who I was, in the middle of loving you.
You completely ruined me.
I don't know what lesson you were supposed to be for me but I know it's one I never want to relive.
I found my way back to Brooke, it was rough at first, letting you go. But she's someone who always wanted the best for me, someone who is helping me change.
These past few months, have taught me how to rebuild love for people.
I'm ready to close this chapter with you. Leave behind the hurt and the hate. Move on to something. No, someone better."
Your heart crumbled within you, as you read each line.
What does all of this mean?
What do you mean?
What am I to you?
You drop the journal lifelessly back into the sink as you clench your eyes shut.
"I don't understand" you exhale as pain strikes through your chest.
"I don't understand any of this"
