*Play Running by NF*
You've spent the rest of the evening drying your eyes and trying to rehabilitate your emotions whilst pacing back and forth around your room, considering whether you should go to see Ethan.
Your heart beats with the idea of seeing him again, yet shatters a little harder with every thought of seeing him with her.
You're breaking your own heart.
You want him so badly, but you can't ignore everything that's happened. The lies, the revealed truths, the hurting, this destruction.
"How am I supposed to tell you," you say out loud still pacing through your apartment.
Why must my favourite memory have to be tainted with your presence?
I don't want to face you again, not after everything, but I need closure. I need to know why you came back, I need to know the truth. I need to know what she means to you.
Your heart continues to race, as you pace yourself to the chimes of your text tones. Ethan had been texting you continuously since he arrived back at his apartment. You click your phone screen as you read over the messages, uncertain to confront the situation or slowly fade from him. It's been killing you, this past month has absolutely killed you.
You read to yourself
Ethan: "Pls Charlie, stop ignoring me"
"You have your read receipts on..."
"Charlie, what's going on?"
"I need to see you"
"What's wrong!?"
As you're scrolling through the texts on your lock screen, another message from Ethan emerges.
"I'm coming over now."
You feel your eyes harden as you glare at his message.
You've sat in a puddle of liquor and tears for over a month about him. How are you supposed to face him now? What are you supposed to say? You can't face the embarrassment. Your mind still sits heavy on your shoulders, you have no emotional control anymore, and you've given in to all urges. Your anger doesn't fade anymore but just grows stronger at the thought of him.
In a panic you run to your open balcony door, to try and shut it, to make your apartment look lifeless and empty. As you grab hold of the door, you look down towards the complex, where you see Grayson and Ethan walking together through the entrance. You gasp before you catch Ethan looking up towards you.
You both hold each other's stare for a few seconds before you slam the balcony door and lock it. You peer round the corner of the window, to continue to watch Ethan. Your heart slams into your rib cage, and your stomach sinks. You watch carefully as Grayson spuds Ethan and mouths the words 'Good Luck' before they split. Grayson turned left to go into the entrance of his apartment and Ethan continue towards your half of the complex.
You drop back from the window, the feeling of your comedown emphasising every emotion. You scurry to hide all the evidence of your binge, unsure as to what is about to happen.
You throw the empty packets and liquor bottles in your en-suite by your bedroom as you race back to the main entrance to turn off your apartment lights...you hear a bang at the door and Ethan's voice.
"Charlie opened up," he said with an aggravated tone.
You pause for a moment before slowly edging your way towards the peephole.
You don't know what to do, what do you say, how do you react. You want closure, but you can't bare the pain.
You stand in silence, hand wrapped around the door handle, as you peer at him through the hole.
"I know you're there, I literally just saw you." you watch him say, as he tapped a few more times.
Your eyes well once more, as you assess the sculpture in his frowning face, and the strain of veins around his neck and arms.
"Charlie!" he yelled as you listen in silence, watching his racing shadow from the other side of the door.
I can't look into your eyes the same anymore. I can't love them the way I used to, you think to yourself before standing away from the peephole.
"Please" he continued to beg
You slowly analyse the movement of his shadow, from under the door, as you decided whether you should open it. As you're watching his shadow, you begin to see his arm edge closer to your door.
Your eyes widen and your heart beats, aggressively against your chest.
You watch as the door handle is slowly pulled down towards the floor.
Everything is silent, as you realise Ethan is about to come in.
The door slowly begins to creek open.
Your body seizes as your mind blanks from anxiety.
You lunge your body weight against the door, slamming it back into the frame before you turn the lock aggressively, against Ethan's strength to prevent him from entering.
You listen as he Grunts and repeatedly punches the door,
Each punch sends shivers down your spine and pricks the hairs on your arm.
Your mind feels so swollen, I just can't think. I don't know what to do. I can't face him.
"CHARLIE" he yelled out, before aggressively tugging the handle once more.
Your eyes begin to well once more, as the feeling of fear, sadness and uncertainty overwhelms you.
Tears begin to stream down your expressionless face as you watch his shadow disappear from under your door, and the sound of footsteps disintegrate down the hallway.
"What the hell" you released in a tearful wheeze.
You slowly walk back towards the window, where you peered once more to spot Ethan.
You watch as he runs his hands aggressively through his blue-streaked hair, clearly displaying his frustration.
You continue to stare, as you watch Ethan walk towards the exit, your eyes have to adjust as you watch him shift his body in your direction... Your squint forces your glazed eyes to focus. You blink a couple of times, before feeling your heart drop deeper than it ever had before.
He was staring directly up towards you. A look of anger and disappointment spread across his face.
You drop yourself away from the window, breaking his stare.
What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say?
You sit until late in the night, rethinking your interaction with Ethan. Trying to piece together how you feel and what to say.
You know you need to leave him, but you just don't want to. You can't keep running. You don't want to lose him, but I also know I can't keep him.
There is so much betrayal bubbling inside of you, so much heartbreak, so much confusion, so much loss.
You look up towards your ceiling.
You pause for a moment before shifting your attention towards the mirror above your entryway table.
Your eyes squint as you watch your reflection and analyse the loss of weight on your face. The crystallised substance under your nose, the red tone of your eyes and the hollowness that sits behind them.
"I need to face it" You state to your reflection.
"I'm done running from you."
