*Play Declined by Britton*
It is now the following morning. You didn't gain any sleep last night. Your eyes felt heavy as you tried to piece together everything you felt you needed to tell Ethan.
You give into your urges once more, as you roll out of bed and swallow a handful of painkillers. You can cancel the pain physically but never the pain you've endured mentally. The years of upbringing, the loneliness, the love... the loss.
Everything happens too quickly, your whole body is numb at this point. You have nothing left.
I look at him, and I just love him, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me what I'd still do for him. I shouldn't feel this way towards him, not anymore, not after everything. I feel so broken, yet I'm still hanging on, I need to give myself time to heal.
I've never said this out loud, but I have seen elements of my dad in him. His angry outbursts, his substance abuse. It all seems too familiar, I just need a break.
We need to talk, we need to do something different because this isn't working, I don't know if I can do this.
You sit for the next couple of hours, thinking to yourself.
***
It is now 4 hours later, You decided that you should confront Ethan, and gain some closure, so you can finally heal. You aren't sure as to what you should say or how. Everything about the two of you is problematic, and there just doesn't seem to be a solution. It has been an ongoing draining cycle.
There will always be a loud silence between us, one neither of us knows how to describe or deal with. You've bought me humour and pain within this past year. Things could have been so beautiful between us.
You throw on a matching clean hoodie set, trying to make yourself feel presentable. You stand in front of your white-rimmed standing mirror, assessing your appearance. You shift and twirl in discomfort. Your eyes are still rimmed purple and your body is numb from your binge.
You kneel in front of the mirror as you assess your hair before repeating out loud to yourself.
"If someone shows you their true colours, don't try to repaint them" You nod at yourself, as you empower your spirit before walking back into your bathroom.
You gaze at your reflection in the bathroom mirror, focusing on the hollowness of your eyes, before applying a layer of tanned concealer to match your skin tone. You continue to think to yourself as you apply the remainder of your make-up.
First, they'll make your heart skip beats and then they'll make your insides ache until you forget the difference between love and hate, I still love you as I did a year ago, I just need to learn how to hide it.
You continue to read out parts of your rehearsed speech, which you are preparing to present to Ethan whilst you swig a shot of vodka to calm your nerves. You slide on your baby Uggs and place the key that you still hold, to Ethan's apartment into your bag before heading out the door.
***
You're standing out front of Ethan's new apartment, your body is engulfed with emotion. You breathe out, to restore your composure before you enter the residence and walk up towards his room.
The corridors felt like an ever-lasting tunnel as your anxieties rage through your veins.
I don't know if I can do this, you begin to pant, as you feel your body begin to seize up with adrenaline.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck" you wheeze whilst shaking your hands, trying to settle your nerves.
You stand for a few moments, back against the corridor wall, as you perfect your breathing and begin to repeat your speech once more, to gain confidence.
You finally reach Ethan's apartment. You take a breath, before slowly pressing the key into the lock. You press carefully as you quietly click the door unlocked.
You breathe once more and your heart deepens as you step forward, back into his apartment for the first time since the incident. You walk in cautiously, before realising that nobody was in sight.
You felt bold as you let yourself in without warning.
You close the door carefully before taking a few steps deeper into the room. You stand in silence as you try to suss out where Ethan is. You hear nothing.
You continue to walk around slowly, glazing your hands across the walls and kitchen units, as you re-think about the incident that happened here a month ago.
You decided to make your way out onto his balcony, where you sat, eyes squinted, body seizing, waiting upon Ethan's arrival back home.
You sat there patiently for 10 minutes before your silence was broken by the sound of laughter and a rhythmic thud.
You frown for a moment before stepping back inside, as you come to realise that the sounds were coming from Ethan's bedroom.
"No" you release as you begin to lour closer to his room.
The walk down his hallway made your body ache in anticipation. You've never felt this brave yet terrified.
You place your hand on his bedroom handle before you swing it open.
You gasp as you look into Ethan's bedroom in shock.
"No" you released once more, this time with more aggression.
