*Play Bored by Billie Eilish*
It's been over a month since you last spoke, or stepped foot in Ethan's apartment. You've had a string of missed calls and messages from Ethan, none of which you've responded to.
You've sat hopelessly in your room, surrounded by liquor and powdered highs. You feel so broken and confused. All you want is peace.
You've been tormented by the repeating final chapter of Ethan's notebook.
You lay back on your bed, fragments of white powder layered underneath your nose.
Your brain feels heavy. What does this all mean? You think to yourself still trying to piece everything together.
Your heart beats rapidly through your chest, as you sit in anticipation. The comedown is making your head throb. You lay limp on your bed whilst looking out your window, up towards the candy floss clouds.
You lay there effortlessly for a few hours, as you doze into a discombobulated daydream, before rolling over to look at your phone to check the time.
April 30th 17:57 pm
Ethan's plane landed an hour ago, you felt your body seize up with adrenaline.
You itch your face, whilst patting away the leftover white substance under your nose. You peer down slowly at yourself, to look at the alcohol stain, and leftover residue from your binge. You feel your body trying to contain your emotion.
You stand up, eyes welled as you continue to walk towards your balcony, where you rested your elbows, staring towards Grayson's apartment. You flash back to the time you first saw them both, you remember your peace of mind, their peace of mind. Everything's so different now.
You feel the tears roll down your cheeks as you hold your gaze on Grayson's apartment.
This is where everything started, you hold your attention whilst you focus in on Ethan's old grey corner couch, which sits untouched on the other side of Grayson's glass balcony door. You smile as tears began to flow more rapidly. You remember the day you sat there with Ethan, sharing pizza before heading up to the peak. Before everything changed, before he changed, before you changed before their career changed, their family, their home.
"I remember every word you told me. I can't stop thinking about it" you continue whilst staring through the window, allowing the flood of memories to engulf you.
You drop your head into the crease of your elbow. You felt your body become weak as you say,
"I'm so sorry for everything"
You pause for a moment before continuing
"I need to let go. Not because I want to, but because you're happier without me, and all I ever wanted was for you to be happy."
You sit lifelessly whilst your tears stream down your expressionless face, under the slow descending sunset.
I love you,
I just need time,
I need to heal.
