BETTER SAFE THAN ZOMBIE

2| Sarcastic Bastard

Fighting a zombie when you're in your underwear is NOT easy.

And it's not like I did it deliberately. I mean, I was just there, taking off my zombie blood-soaked tee and pants when suddenly the door to the bathroom opened, revealing a lurching, Grudge-keening zombie.

I mean, hell-low? Ever heard of the word PRIVACY?

And sure, you're a zombie and all, but what the eff?

Even a zombie killer needed her break too, you know.

And where the hell is Az anyway?

Oh, right. He was outside, taking a piss.

The world is seriously screwed.

So I screamed and tried like hell to cover my body. You know, just in case. You never know. Maybe zombies also rape some innocent girls like me too.

But if the zombie's first move, which was to open its mouth wide to reveal jagged teeth was any indication, well, either zombies do NOT actually rape girls, or he didn't found me hot enough.

And I think it's the former because, dude, I am HOT. I have this awesome hair, black-blue, that cascades over my waist in a silky tangle, and these midnight blues that melt every guy's heart everywhere. Oh, and I have a hot smoldering body too (with all the right female organs). I know that 'cause I receive catcalls and whistles from guys everywhere. And though I often send them the finger, it's nice to know that I can say I'm gorgeous without appearing vain because you know, it's the truth. I mean, they can call me vain all they want, but it's just because they're jealous.

So to the green-eyed monsters everywhere, I say: Fuck you! I'm pretty and and I know it's true.

Okay, back to the story.

So this big freaking zombie quickly lunged at me, but I was anticipating that move, so I was ready. I gave him a side blade kick, hitting his head hard and sending it crashing to the floor.

I immediately did a choke hold on him, as instructed to me years before by my martial arts teacher. One of the zombie's arm swung at the back of my head, but I warded it off with a forearm block and countered with a kick on the shin.

But the zombie was crazy strong, so it managed to break free. I quickly settled into the kokutso-daichi, or the back leaning stance, a basic defensive position of karate.

I cursed my lack of lethal weapons. It was still on my bag, located outside the bathroom stall. Hey, I wasn't expecting an attack, okay? Just a quick change of clothes, that's all.

Who was I to know that I would be attacked by a zombie while in my undies? Jeez, this is all so humiliating. It's like The Walking Dead slash Victoria Secret Fashion Show, except I don't have wings and this zombie was ab-fucking-solutely real.

When the zombie lunged at me again, I used another one of my favorite MMA, jujitsu, a basic form of strategy in karate. As most jujitsus, I favor hitting and kicking to such a degree that they can't be distinguished from karate. The main goal of all jujitsu fighters was to take down the enemy, and to keep it down. All my blows did aim the target, and I even had the zombie pinned, but I knew it wouldn't die unless:

A.) Decapitated

B.) Heart is destroyed

C.) Shot twice in the stomach (just once in the head, or in the heart)

D.) Broken and bruised into a state that cannot be healed

E.) All of the above

All zombies had extremely fast regenerative healing, mainly due to the fact that their cells were capable of quick cell division, like in cancer tumors. Something about skipping the resting phase of mitosis or whatever.