BETTER SAFE THAN ZOMBIE

OZTS 6| Too Much Love Can Kill You

Kailey was exactly what a girl named 'Kailey' would be like.

Beautiful, friendly, and sociable, she won over all of them in no time.

"OMG Hazel," she said, leaning closer to her. "That's some awesome eyes you have there. They're so blue."

If Hazel was a peacock, she'd be ruffling her feathers. Instead, she beamed at Kailey. "I know, right?"

I almost laughed at Kailey's surprised reaction. If she was expecting Hazel to go all modest, then she's in for a nasty surprise. Hazel already knew she was special, and flattering her just makes her even be more sure of it.

Really, if Hazel's head could expand along with her ego, it would be way bigger than the entire universe.

"And Kathryn's so cute!" Kailey switched her admiring attention to me. "I love your curls!"

She reached out to touch my hair, but quickly withdrew her hand when I flinched.

"Careful," Hazel warned her. "Kathryn doesn't like ex-zombies."

It sounded worse when being said like that. Kailey looked so open and warm that I hated the idea of making her think I somehow disliked her.

"Its not you," I said lamely. "It's me."

"Are you breaking up with her?"

I jumped. "Jesus, Ethan!" I exclaimed. "Knock before you enter, will you?"

He ignored me and glanced at Christian, who was behind him. "It's a lesbians' convention. We better pretend we're girls, or they'll never let us in on one of their pillow fights."

"They have pillow fights?" asked Christian, surprised.

"We don't!" I interjected. "And will you two just get out? This is a girls' room!"

"But I am a girl," protested Ethan in a high falsetto.

"Fuck you," replied Hazel. "If you're really a girl, then that is one pitiful chest you have there. Your breasts look like they have been made roadkill."

Ethan looked down and grinned. "This might look flat to you, but it's really a hard protective cover for my DD breasts." He jumped up and down. "See? They're bouncing."

Kailey held up a hand. "Ugh, please stop. That's really gross."

Hazel patted her on the shoulder sympathetically. "Gross is Ethan's middle name."

"Wrong," said Ethan. "It's Perfection. Ethan Perfection Blake. See? It fits."

"If you're really perfect," said Hazel, "Try walking on water."

"As I was saying," I said loudly, cutting off Ethan's retort, "Boys aren't allowed in a girls' room."

"Why not?" Ethan wanted to know. "Your dad went into your mom's room to fuck her so that you could be born."

I picked up the nearest object to me--which so happens to be a bottle of body lotion--and threw it on Ethan.

Not to brag, but my aim is perfect. I could hit anything.

Including Ethan's balls.

"Plug your ears everyone," Hazel said calmly, cupping her hands on both of her ears.

Ethan's mouth opened and closed like a fish, but no sound exited. We all stared as he fell down on the floor in a dead faint.

"Well, that's surprising," said Hazel. "The last time I did that to his balls, he screamed his head off."