I blinked to try and clear my seemingly permanently blurred vision. All I really achieved was fresh tears spilling down my face, joining the already millions of streaks that already marked my face from crying non-stop all week.
It was suddenly hard to breathe and I found myself gasping for air. Only one person could make me feel better in this moment but he was the one I was supposed to be saying goodbye to. A small hand was clasped tightly in my own and I looked down to see my daughter trying to smile up at me through her own tears. I picked her up, setting her on my hip as I stepped up to the podium and cleared my throat.
There was silence as what seemed like everyone we'd ever known stared up at me, waiting.
"Everyone knows why we're here today." I started, my voice ringing clear and strong. It didn't match the way I felt inside. "So I won't go there. It hurts too much to talk about. But there is something I want to talk about: Troye.
"Actually, I want to say something to him. Something I should have said to him every single day, but forgot to more often than not." I tilted my head back, looking up as if I could see Troye floating above me. "I love you, Troye. Always and forever. I've loved you since the first day we met in that little coffee shop in New York. At first, I was cautious. Just having gotten out of a bad relationship, I was scared to let someone have my heart. But somehow you convinced me to love you. To give you my heart. I've done so much with you that I'd never imagined doing with anyone. I got married, bought a house, raised a beautiful little girl in Riley. But even though I never imagined doing those things, I'm now faced with something even more terrifying: continuing to live without you. I love you, Troye, more than ever. I hope that wherever you are, you're happy and at peace. Rest easy, my beautiful Troye."
As I finished, my voice broke and Riley snuggled into my neck. I turned my head to bury my face in her soft brown locks, my tears making her hair damp. After standing there for what seemed like forever, I felt gentle hands guiding me to my seat.
I didn't hear the rest of the service. I didn't want to. I didn't want to hear all the stories about Troye from people who barely knew him. I just wanted today to be over so I could go home and crawl into bed, wrapping myself in blankets that still smelled of Troye.
"Connor?" I looked up at the sound of my mom's voice. "It's time to go." She said gently, reaching to take Riley from me but I tightened my hold of her, refusing to let go. Right now, she was my only link to Troye.
"Papa..." She whimpered, wriggling in my arms. "Papa, you're hurting me." Immediately, I let go of her, sitting her on my lap.
"I'm sorry, baby girl." I said, my voice shaking. I could feel more tears building behind my eyes.
"Papa don't be sad. I'm still here." Riley placed both hands against my face, using her palms to wipe away tears. "And maybe one-day daddy will come back and we can be really happy again."
The hopeful innocence in her voice had me crying again as I heard my mom speak to Riley.
"Sweetie, I know you love your daddy, but honey, not even a miracle could bring him back."
