How You Get The Boy (Bronnor au)

Chapter 2-Connor's POV

Things were especially bad last night. I was tossing and turning for hours, but I just couldn't get to sleep. Eventually, I got out of bed and and put on one of Brad's shirts. I only ever do this if it gets really, really bad, it's kind of the nuclear option. It did work though, as the familiar scent of Brad still on it was comforting enough to send me straight to sleep. 

Unfortunately, when I woke up, I was expecting to see Brad beside me for some reason. I knew it wasn't, for a start I always used to sleep on his chest but now my head was resting on a pillow, but the hope still flashed through my mind. I think the fact that I had surrounded myself in Brad by wearing his clothes didn't help, as it felt like I was wrapped in his arms rather than just being curled up alone wearing one of his shirts. 

At least now I'm so used to this feeling that I don't cry anymore. For the first few weeks of going through heartbreak, I wore his clothes to bed every night which kind of tricked my brain into thinking that he was there. I would cry myself to sleep, and would cry again when I inevitably woke up alone. I eventually just got used to feeling lonely, and it turned into a feeling of numbness. And as bad as it sounds, sometimes I imagine Brad crying himself to sleep whilst wearing one of my shirts, just to wonder if he was as heartbroken as me. 

I doubt he would though- we've always coped differently. He probably would have been sad for a few weeks, but would get used to it after a while and would be back to normal. I wish it was like that for me. I feel a pang in my heart each time I remember sitting on my best friend James' bed and sobbing into his chest. He had held me and kept promising me that it was going to be alright, and whilst that wasn't technically true (I was an absolute wreck) it was still reassuring.

My life's changed so much without Brad. I have more space on my shelves because I could get rid of all the terrible DVDs he used to have (and used to kiss me until I agreed to watch them with him), and there's no longer any confusion about who's clothes are who's. But there's also a huge space in my heart, as the most important person in my life is gone and can't be replaced. As bad as it sounds, it feels like a piece of me is gone. I'm not the same person I was when I was with Brad- that Connor was fun and bouncy and felt complete, but now I feel broken and empty.

People say that you should never change for someone else, but that wasn't the case. I didn't change myself for Brad, but he changed me. He made me happy to wake up each morning, until he left, at which point I wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out rather than have to face another day alone. I say alone, I had friends and family around me, but as caring as they are, they're no replacement for the person I gave so much of myself to.

Brad had seen me in so many ways- when I was happy or laughing at something or excited, but also when I was sad, scared or in pain. He looked after me so much, and I don't think anyone will ever care about me in the same way he did. I think that's partly why him leaving hurt so much- I'd placed so much trust in him, and he promised that he'd always take care of me, but then he left seemingly without a second thought. He just seemed like it didn't effect him that much. 

Somehow, I can't imagine Brad crying so hard that he needed someone to hold him and encourage him to breathe to stop him from passing out, which was the situation I found myself in. I also doubt that Brad needed comfort from something belonging to the person he was trying to move on from. He's always been much stronger than me about dealing with his emotions, I think I saw him cry maybe 3 times in the 18 months or so we were together. He's probably got a new boyfriend now, he'll have moved on. There's someone out there who deserves him, and whoever that guy is, I hope he knows how lucky he is.

I'd give anything to be back in Brad's arms, feeling safe and looked after and happy. I've been numb for so long that being happy seems like a distant memory. I'm pining for a boy who isn't coming back, and although my head knows that, my brain is refusing to accept it. It hurts, because when I wake up feeling surrounded by Brad, all my hopes just get deflated. I don't want to feel like this anymore- it's been a year, I should at least be starting to get over him. Maybe I never will. Maybe I'll be pining for the one who got away for ever.

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Poor Con 😭 It'll get better soon, Brad will come into the story at some point 😉

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