I stumble through the door, drunk and dizzy. I hate feeling like this, God knows why I do it to myself. I'm happy for a bit, then I get really sad, plus I feel awful the next day. I think that's why I only do it when I really, really miss Connor. I mean, I miss him all the time, but it's days like this when I miss him so much that I can barely even speak. Getting drunk to try and forget him seems to my brain to be the best way, even though I know it isn't.
Today's trigger was someone asking me how he was doing. I don't think they were trying to hurt me, instead just asking after him, but it still stung. Any normal person would be able to say that their ex was doing fine, but I just couldn't. I cried when I got home, like I do all too often. Trying to think of a way to cope was what led to me getting drunk, I just don't know what else to do- it works in the short term, but in the long run I feel a million times worse.
Some days I'll be ok, telling myself that I wasn't happy then and now I'm free. But on other days, something (even the smallest thing) will remind me of him and I'll go back to being a wreck all over again. I've tried my hardest to move on and put it all behind me, but I can't. He's always there in the back of my mind, and I can't stop thinking about him. I tried with other boys, but it didn't work out. There was no spark- Connor and me had this unique bond that nothing else has ever matched. It was like we were made for each other, but then we fell apart.
Deep down, I know that it isn't normal to fight with someone at 2 in the morning, or to cry every time you get reminded of them. I'm not normally like that, but that's the situation I ended up in. After walking out on our relationship, I cried more than I ever did the whole time me and Connor were together. Right now, I'm angry at myself because I still haven't learned my lesson- getting drunk doesn't solve anything, it just makes it worse.
I head into the bathroom so I can get ready for bed in the vain hope that maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and it'll all magically be better. Realistically, I know that's not the case- it's been a year since we broke up, but I still feel an ache in my heart every morning when I wake up by myself. It was almost worse when there was someone there, as it obviously wasn't Connor, but my hopes still went up.
Once I'm done, I strip myself down to my boxers and start looking around for a fresh shirt to wear. I'm so tired, drunk and emotional that I barely know what I'm doing, so I end up pulling in something I find in the corner of my room and collapsing into bed. I feel weirdly safe and secure, and I'm not sure why. I'm just much more comforted than I have been for a while.
Suddenly, I realise why- this isn't my shirt, it's Connor's. It still smells like him, and that must be why I feel so relaxed- it reminds me of innocence. I feel my eyes fill with tears which I just can't stop when they start to fall. It kind of feels like I'm being hugged by Connor, and right now that's all I want. I miss him so much, it's unbelievable. I'm such a cliche- lying in bed crying whilst wearing my ex boyfriend's clothes, thinking about how much I miss him.
I don't want to be alone anymore, and that's how I've felt ever since I left. I regretted walking out almost as soon as I actually did, but I couldn't turn back- Connor hated me enough by then, it wouldn't have been fair to do that to him. I lie there crying for a while, but even I eventually realise that I can't be sad like this forever, so I put on one of my own shirts. Maybe by getting anything that reminds me of him away from me will help the healing process.
On the other hand, maybe taking away one source of comfort will be worse. I come to a compromise that I'll put his shirt under my pillow, so I'll be less surrounded by all the feelings and memories but I'll still feel close to him. So, with tears still streaming down my cheeks, I get back into bed wearing my own clothes but still with a remnant of Connor.
I planned to put it under my pillow, but I can't bear to let go, so I instead curl up holding it in my arms. The comfort does help, and I begin to drift off. As I do, I wonder if Connor feels the same way. Does he cry at anything that reminds him of me? Does he even have any of my stuff? Maybe he's moved on, I don't know. Regardless, I hope he's happy. He's by no means a bad person, and I still love him. Just because I can't have him doesn't mean no one should, it might just take me a while to get used to the idea.
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So now we hear Brad's side of things 😉 It'll get happier soon, honest. Let me know if you enjoyed this!
This chapter kind of reminded me of Body Talk by Foxes which is one of my favourite songs ever, give it a listen. It's also like the masterpiece that is All Too Well by the queen that is Taylor Swift... I need to stop giving music recommendations, I have awful taste 😂
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How You Get The Boy (Bronnor au)
Fanfiction'Broke your heart, I'll put it back together, I want you for ever and ever' Connor never quite got over the relationship him and Brad used to have, as hard as he tried to. He just couldn't. He assumed that Brad would always be in his mind, but not...
