How You Get The Boy (Bronnor au)

Chapter 9- Brad's POV

I'm lying awake, feeling totally confused. It's 4 in the morning and I'm trying to sleep on the sofa at my ex boyfriend's house, but I can't relax. It's not much of a surprise, we hadn't seen each other properly for about a year, but here I am. I could have gone to James' house, but I felt much more comfort at the idea of going here. I know that's weird- the last time I was here was when I broke Connor's heart, but he was totally chill about letting me in. If I were him, I wouldn't have done that, but somewhere in his heart he felt able to.

Lying awake feeling lost is nothing new to me, but this is such a different setting I don't know how to feel. Part of me is happy that's he almost forgiven me, but another part is saying that I need to move on. I've tried to, but it wasn't really a clean enough break to make it easy. The image of Connor's tear filled eyes just before I left him alone in this very room won't leave my mind, nor will the look of shock on his face when he opened the door to see me there.

Suddenly, I sit up when I hear footsteps, and the door opens to reveal Connor stood there. "Oh." he says quietly. "I didn't think you'd be awake."

I turn to look at him. "How come you're still up?"

"I could ask you the same question." he says, looking exhausted- I'm amazed he's still awake.

I give a small laugh. "I couldn't sleep. Too much going on in my head."

"I get that." he says quietly. "Can I sit?"

"Of course." I say. "It's your house." He takes a seat beside me and sighs. "You ok?" I ask.

He shrugs. "I don't know. Like, it's nothing personal, but it feels weird having you here."

"It is a bit odd." I agree. "I wouldn't have let me in if I were you."

He looks sad. "You were stood right there, what was I supposed to do?"

I smile. "You really are way too sweet for your own good." The conversation is stifled, partly because it's so late and we're both tired, and partly because I'm being careful of my words- I'm desperate to start pouring out apologies and telling him how I never quite got over him, but I can't do that to him. I've put him through enough trauma tonight, it wouldn't be fair.

Suddenly, he shocks me by saying "We need to talk."

"I know." I say quietly. "But I don't think now is the right time to do it."

He sighs. "I don't know about you, but I'm tired and stressed and it wouldn't be right to have that discussion now." I know him so well, and I can tell that he's dying to tell me something but won't- in that sense, he's far more sensible than me. He doesn't go rushing into things, and he thinks about his actions more. 

We sit in silence for a bit, until I say "I don't think I'm going to get a lot of sleep tonight."

"Me neither." Connor agrees, but he still looks exhausted. "I haven't had any. I couldn't sleep earlier and that's why I was awake when you showed up."

"Thank you. I don't know where I'd be if you weren't here to save the day." I say, trying to lighten the mood. 

Connor gives a small smile, but he's clearly still heartbroken. He reaches out to grab some of my blanket, pulling it over himself. I subconsciously snuggle closer to him. "We're a mess, aren't we?" he says after a while.

"Speak for yourself." I joke, but Connor's face stays blank. "Sorry." I say quietly. 

"It's ok." he says. "It's just a but overwhelming."

"It's been a weird night." I agree. 

Connor bites his lip. "Seriously, we need to have a conversation. Sort things out properly."

"Not now though." I say. If not tonight, then maybe tomorrow. He nods in agreement. I wouldn't go as far to say that the silence is comfortable, but it's not as tense as it was earlier. I feel slightly more relaxed- I don't know if that's because the tiredness is finally taking me, or if it's because I'm so close to Connor. He was back in my arms earlier, and now we're curled under a blanket together. It doesn't sound like much, but it almost feels like everything is back as it should be.

Except for the fact that my heart is breaking more and more. I have no right to feel like this, it's Connor whose heart I broke, but I look over to the boy who's starting to fall asleep on my shoulder and feel an ache in my chest. I miss him so much. I know he's right next to me, but he's not my boyfriend any more. 

He might be someone else's boyfriend now. I want him back, but I can't have him. As I begin to drift off, I'm reminded of the times when he would fall asleep on me and I would carry him to bed. It was only just over a year ago, but it feels like forever. Time seems to be taking so much longer now, and pain is more intense. I guess that's what heartbreak does to you.

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I have a presentation on Friday for a book I still have 200 pages of to read, oops 😳 I'm screwed basically.