How You Get The Boy (Bronnor au)

Chapter 6- Connor's POV

I thought I'd broken the habit of wearing Brad's clothes to bed, but apparently not. Ever since we made eye contact in town, I haven't been able to stop thinking about how much I miss him. I genuinely spent the rest of that day crying, it was like having my heart broken all over again. I don't know why I'm so surprised by my feelings- Brad broke my heart, tore the remnants to shreds and then stomped all over what was left, before walking out like nothing happened, he didn't even cry.

Maybe he went home and sobbed on his bedroom floor, but I doubt it. His coping method was usually getting drunk and then maybe writing a song about his feelings. I wish I could do that- turn all my upset and hurt into something amazing. I miss his shows, he always said I was his cheerleader and he even brought me on stage a couple of times. He's always so happy up there, like he's glowing. Maybe he's performing again, maybe not. Either way, I hope he's happy.

No one told me that it's normal for heartbreak to disrupt your sleeping patterns, but it happened to me. I wake up almost every night, sometimes more, and I'm always deluded enough to hope that Brad will be asleep next to me. I miss falling asleep with my head on his chest, and the times when I'd fallen asleep on his lap and he'd had to carry me to bed. It's painful to wake up alone, especially when you're pining for someone.

 I want him back more than anything in the world. I know that's bad though, especially when I think back to an awful fight we had. He'd been screaming at me, and I was shouting back. We were right up in each other's faces, and it was only when he said he hated me that I finally broke down and burst into tears. If I'd had any sense, I'd have broken up with him there and then, but I didn't. 

I remember him instantly apologising, and I was crying so hard that I couldn't stop him from wrapping his arms around me. We cried together for what felt like the longest time, and I was so distressed that all I could do was pound his chest with my fists, bawling my eyes out in his arms. Despite how hard I was crying, I remember him guiding us over to my bed, and I remember sobbing myself to sleep as he held me. When I woke up, I could feel that his shirt was still wet from my tears.

Looking back, I know that isn't healthy, but I was too scared to let go. I've never been the same since- there was a point when James was hugging me whilst I was crying (what a surprise) and I desperately clung to him when he went to move me into his other shoulder because I'd cried so much. I was genuinely afraid that he was going to let go, and I begged him not to. I'm also much more twitchy about being alone, which is ironic given how much of a state I'm im. 

Realistically, I can't and shouldn't have Brad back, but that's what I want. I want to feel loved again, and he was the only person who ever made me feel that way. I was the happiest person in the world, and every morning I would wake up to his smiling face and would want to scream from the rooftops how happy I was. That feels like a long time ago, because now I want to crawl into a hole and never come out ever again.

Sleeping in Brad's clothes makes me feel like he's holding me, which is why I wear them when I really miss him. They're slightly too big for me, which is good as it means that I can wrap myself in him even more. It's the next best thing to sleeping on his chest, or even just with the warmth of his body next to me.

I'm currently wearing one of his old hoodies, with it pulled over my knees. I remember Brad wearing it, and me insisting that I'd look cuter in it. I certainly don't now- at the moment I look like a wreck who's sat in bed crying over how much much he wants his ex boyfriend back, but to be fair that's what I am. I curl onto my side, pulling my knees up to my chest as much as possible in an effort to hide myself. There's nothing to hide from though, except the truth. I can't accept that Brad's gone and isn't coming back, even though it's the reality.

It's the worst pain I've ever been in, but there's nothing that helps. It's embarrassing really- if Brad saw me now, he'd probably laugh at how much of a mess I am. I tuck my arms into the sleeves of the hoodie, fighting the urge to cry again. I can feel sleep starting to take me, but I won't be long until I'm awake crying again. My heart hurts, and nothing will stop the pain. A single tear slips down my cheek, and before I know it more are flowing, just like always. It's not getting better, and I don't think it'll ever change.

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This was terrible 😭 But it's late and I'm tired.

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