It's been a couple of days since I saw Connor, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Is stated into his beautiful big blue eyes so many times, but that occasion was painful. It was so bad that I cried myself to sleep that night, still with the image of Connor in my head. It feels like it's haunting me- every time I close my eyes, I'm reminded of it all. I saw Connor at all his lowest points- when he was scared, angry, crying or in pain; but also the good times- when he was happy or laughing at something. I miss the good times- Connor's such a fun person to be around, I had the time of my life with him.
In a weird way, I even miss the screaming arguments we used to have at 3 in the morning. We'd always make it up somehow, even if that involved Connor crying himself to sleep in my arms. He slept on my chest almost every night, and it's always when I'm lying in bed that I feel the loneliest. I lie there thinking about how I could have fixed things, or remembering myself screaming at him when he couldn't get the tears to stop falling. I feel so bad about that now, it must have broken him completely.
I can't be sad tonight though. I'm playing my first show for a while, and I don't want to ruin it by having all my stupid emotions get in the way. Some of my stuff is original, but I do a lot of covers as well- it depends what mood I'm in. If things were how they used to be, Connor would be sitting here with me telling me how proud he was and that he loved me. My other friends or my sister come sometimes, but it's not the same.
I'm grateful to spot my cue, as I can go out on stage and stop nearly making myself cry by thinking about Connor. I always get nervous, but the feeling always fades after a while, I'm used to it now. When I step out, I have to smile as I'm greeted by cheers and applause. It's a small crowd, only about 200 people, but I don't really care about that. I start working through my set, getting happier and happier as I absorb the atmosphere in the room- it makes me feel like I'm flying.
However, since breaking up with Connor, I always play at least one sad song every time- it sounds weird, but it feels like I'm sharing my feelings which helps me to cope a bit. Tonight is no exception, and I'm playing All Too Well. My friend James would approve- he's more than slightly obsessed with Taylor Swift. As soon as I start playing it, the room goes eerily quiet. Everyone is listening to me and my guitar pouring out my heartbreak.
I often get emotional when I play, and embarrassingly I feel tears welling up when I get to the killer line- my voice wobbles when I somehow manage to sing 'You call me up again just to break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest'. I can't cry on stage, I just can't. Somehow, I make it through the rest of the song, and I have to bite back the tears when the room bursts into applause.
Thankfully, I only have one song left, so I resort to playing some bouncy pop song to try and make myself smile. My emotions are running so high that I barely know what I'm doing, but I manage to thank everyone at the end of my set before almost running off the stage. The tears are already flowing, and I curl into a ball on the floor as soon as I can. Eventually, Oliver, a friend of mine who plays here quite often, comes over. "You ok?" he asks, putting a hand on my shoulder.
I shake my head. "Not at all."
"Do you want to tell me about it?" he asks caringly.
I shrug, blinking back tears. "There's not much to tell. I don't know what happened, I just got a but emotional." I'm longing to go home, but I can't right now- we have to stay until the last person is finished, so I'm here for another few hours. Oliver gives my shoulder a squeeze and then leaves me to it. As nice as he is, I'm grateful for the space.
Eventually, after what feels like the longest time, the stage manager lets us know that we're free to go, and I'm almost happy. I just want to fling myself into my bed and sob into my pillow- I do that quite a lot anyway, but it's very therapeutic. When I get in the car, I put on some cheesy 80s station to try and cheer me up. It sort of works, as I find myself singing along to loads of pop songs I'm ashamed to know that words to.
As soon as I get home, I collapse onto the couch and put my head in my hands. I'm handling the whole situation so badly, but I don't know what to do. I want Connor back, but he'll have moved on- I can't have him. I thought I'd get used to feeling lonely and numb, but apparently not- it gets worse and worse every day, I don't know how much longer I can cope.
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Poor baby 😭 Sorry not sorry for the Taylor bit 😉 All Too Well is wonderful, go and listen to it. And people say she can't write songs 🙄
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