r.a.b times (joshler)

chapter 6

Josh. I thought. I replayed the thought of him saying it over and over again in my head. For some reason his voice and the way he spoke made my heart rate speed up. I didn't know why I was feeling this way over a guy that I barely knew. I stared at the coffee table and thought about the boy sitting next to me. He was beautiful, a kind of beautiful that I never knew was real until I saw him for the first time. I have to admit I was a little jealous of his looks because I looked like a decaying fish all the time. Eventually I snapped out of my thoughts. I blinked a few times until my vision wasn't blurry anymore. Turning my head, my gaze fell on Josh.

He sat there looking down like how I was just a few seconds ago. I could tell he was in deep thought. His hands were clenched together on his lap and his face showed no emotion. It was times like these that I wish I could read a person's mind. It would make so many things easier to know the things that people wanted to say but never did. I didn't mind that he was spacing off, it just meant that I could stare at him more. I felt a little bit of guilt that I was kind of creepy. Well actually, really creepy. He finally turned his head and our eyes met.

"Oh god. Sorry, I got sidetracked." He said while a blush surfaced across his cheeks. The palms of his hands went to his knees while he nervously looked around the living room. It was like he didn't want to make eye contact with me.

"It's all good." I replied with a smile to reassure him. I couldn't think of what to say next. I've always had issues with talking to new people normally. This situation was so much worse. I didn't want Josh to ask about what happened yesterday. Although I already knew that he would, I at least could try to stall that conversation for as long as possible. The thought of talking about my problems to a sort of stranger made me feel uneasy and sick. I didn't really feel much emotion towards the thought of what happened yesterday. I didn't feel worse or better about my situation, I just felt nothing. In the back of my mind I still had a small urge to kill myself, but there was something about Josh that made me want to stay for a little while.

I thought for moment while gazing around the room. My eyes landed on the black drum set in the corner. I remember seeing it when I first walked into his apartment. For some reason it surprised me that he played the drums. The set of drums looked a little worn since the paint was chipping off of them. The letters SCJ were printed on the front in white.

"You play the drums?" I asked. The question was stupid because I already knew the answer.

"Yes, I do. Not very well though." He answered.

"Do you play in like... uh... a band?" My voice got a little quite when I said the word band. It brought back memories that I wanted to suppress.

He lightly laughed while showing a bright smile. "Uh no. Not anymore. Playing is more of a hobby now I guess."

"Not anymore." I thought. Thinking about my old band made me more sad. "What band?" I asked.

"House of Heros."

The name sounded familiar. "I think I've heard them before. Why aren't you in the band anymore if you don't mind me asking?"

"It got too much. I struggled to show up to the practices because of work so they kicked me out." He frowned a little and looked away from me. "Also my parents never approved of the band. They thought it was a waste of time and money. They got so frustrated at me when I dropped out of college so I could focus on music. They are the ones who bought me those drums, but they never thought that I'd pretty much fall in love with them." He laughed. "It doesn't even matter anymore. I've never been that good."

"I doubt that. Even if it is true, you're not as bad as me. I always been more of a piano person." Oh fuck, I thought. I didn't mean to make the conversation about me. Also I didn't want him to judge me since I knew the piano wasn't necessarily a "cool" instrument to play.

"Oh really?" He raised his eyebrows. "How long have you played?"

"Since I was little. How long have you played drums?" I asked attempting to make the conversation about him again.

"I started to play when I was a teenager. I would go down to the music shop by my house and play the drums that were on display until they kicked me out. I didn't get my own set until after a few years." I listened to him with wide eyes. I wish we could talk for hours. His voice was so calming.

"Could you play me something? Like... only i-if you want t-to though." My anxiety started to make me stutter.

"I would but one of my drums is broken. I was going to get it fixed today but... um... I-"

"Oh. Yeh it's ok..." I trailed off. I ran my hand through my hair as my anxiety started to rise. "I uh... actually should probably go." His eyes went wide and a look of sadness washed over his face. The thing was, I knew he wanted me to leave. I can take a hint. I wasn't going to make him take care of me. That would be pathetic. I was stupid to think that I could stay.

"No, no you can stay. It's really-"

"You don't have to take care of me because of what happened. I'm fine." I said bluntly. "It wouldn't be polite of me to stay here and impose on your life." I sat up to go change out of his clothes. I took a step into the direction of the bathroom but then I felt a hand grab my wrist.

"But I want you to stay."

His words shocked me a little. I turned to look at him again. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. I also didn't know why he wanted me to stay but I wasn't going to ask since that would make things awkward. "Ok..." I said quietly after a long pause. Although every part of me wanted to leave and not get involved with his life, I sat back down next to him. He didn't let go of my wrist. It was like he was scared I would just get up and run.

"Do you uh... have someone you might need to call to tell them that you are ok or something?" I shook my head. I had no one that cared if I was alive or not. I didn't matter. Josh looked at me with questioning eyes.

"No one? Not your parents or maybe a friend?"

I again shook my head. I looked him in the eyes to let him know that I was being honest. Although I had people to call they wouldn't care or understand. I didn't even know what do in this situation, the future seemed like a blur. It looked like Josh didn't know what do either. I could see that he was nervous. Now I wished that Josh didn't bring me to his apartment. I couldn't help but feel that he wanted me gone. I was only going to cause him stress. He stared past me, still holding my wrist. His gaze eventually met mine again.

"Do you want to talk about... you know... um... yesterday?" He asked with a quiet voice and a wary tone.

My eyebrows twitched and I felt the tears starting to roll down my face. Josh's eyes filled with sympathy. I didn't know if it was fake or genuine. I hated this. I hated being so weak. Why do I cry over everything? I'm pathetic.

Josh let go of my wrist and grabbed my hand. It made me feel a little more relaxed. "I'm sorry Tyler. I didn't mean to-"

I cut him off as I jumped into his arms without thinking. I couldn't think of words right now to say. I just wanted to cry. My crying became violent sobs in a matter of seconds. His strong arms found their way around my torso. It was odd to be crying on a stranger's shoulder but at the same time I felt so comfortable around him.

After a long silence he whispered familiar words into my ear. "It's going to be okay."